Let’s talk about “agree to disagree”. This statement implies entering into a conversation holding onto your beliefs as if they are right (because we won’t even enter a conversation if someone intends to change what we hold dear). But, when we hold onto something, our arms are not open, they are closed. So is our heart, our mind, and our will. Why are you even having a conversation, if the intended outcome is to agree to disagree? This is divide:
Quotes above are inspired by a video by Lorie Ladd and the book I shared in a recent article about collective trauma. My previous article about racism, which I think is actually generational trauma on all sides, also applies.
The more I study trauma, the more I see that everything is trauma.
I used to work for the Mental Health Commission of Canada, on a study about holding judgement with regards to persons with mental health problems. Do you know who scored highest in judgement against this group? The people who work with this population! Do you know how they figure out who holds the most judgement on a topic? By seeing how long it takes them to respond to things related to that topic. Longer time to respond means more baggage is coming up for them, that they are trying to suppress, and suppression is a recipe for illness!
So, why do they work with this population? In most cases because they themselves or a loved one had mental health issues that they are trying to understand. It’s very personal, it’s trauma, and when a client’s experience does not fit their belief or blame, the client is wrong. People diagnosed are not really considered to have the issue at hand, or people diagnosed are considered to have more flaws than they really do. Few see the person in front of them through a clear lens, as being just the person in front of them, because the practitioners have not done enough work on themselves to clear their own trauma, baggage, and agenda, to be able to put it down and serve the other, or to use it, in an open way, to inform, while still being open enough to be informed again.
Hubl (author of the book mentioned above) says: to in-form means to allow the thoughts of another to go so deeply into you that it creates a form inside of you.
And, in a true crisis, well, watch the movie “wag the dog“, they create a crisis to bring people together. There is actually a psychological disorder called “playing the victim”, that is used by many, to get people to stay. And, we often worry “how will we manage if there is a true crisis?”, but when the true crisis comes, everyone drops their hang ups, sees what’s really important, and helps.
My son, who is very hard to move, when his sister cracked her head open when we were on a trip and their dad was out getting food, did not argue with me about wanting to watching his iPad, he said “mom, don’t fight with dad, I’ve got what we need, let’s just go try to find him on the street”, as I held the wound of his sister to try to stop the bleeding. And not for the last time. Again this year, when his same sister banged the other side of her head, and our family had gained an additional child, he came in advance warning me of her bleeding head, grabbed his little sister to watch her from inside our car, as his middle sister came around the corner, bleeding from her forehead like one might imagine Jesus on the cross. I reconnected and held the wound shut, while I called (and waited) for help via speakerphone. Help took a while to come, because hubby was preparing for a long stay at emerg (food and entertainment), but we managed to get it fixed quickly, with a piece of surgical tape at the walk in clinic, as I held the wound shut with my hands on the drive there, called the clinic on the way, to see if they could see us, and to inform them that I can not wear a mask due to mental health and my daughter would not be wearing one due to bleeding from the face, and it was no problem. Even the pharmacist who offered me a mask and I declined said “I’ll remember for next time that you are exempt”.
This ^^ is what we do in a crisis, we are human, we get on side, we see what is really important, and nothing else matters. And if you can not see that, I highly recommend you check your trauma history. Something happened to make you think something else is more important. And until you deal with that, well, you’ll keep fighting for things that do not matter.
Drop being right, open your heart, open your mind, align your will. See quotes above, for clues on how to do this.
At the end of the day, who do you want to be?
We are all blind, holding a small piece of the elephant, and if we refuse to listen to the perspective of others, well we stay stuck in our very limited wrong belief of what we are really holding onto:
Just like stigma is trauma, so are all the isms and the phobics. And the way to heal and allow for wholeness is to allow people to share their truth: this is where I believe my feeling comes from, it is valid, and now that you have heard me, where does your feeling come from, oh, that is valid too, now we are both more whole.
Of course, it’s complicated, we are all fill d with land mines, and this is why some people are gifted to watch and work with the energy, and some have work to do in order to get there.
Here’s one more quote:
...and, my son is more capable in crisis situations than I am because he’s experienced less trauma than my husband and I have And if I correct that further, maybe he’s experienced similar trauma, but because I’ve been working on my self this whole time, I at least know when to stop making it about me and when to drop and hold space for him, which is something our parents were never able to do.
According to Dr Gabor Mate, Stephen W Porges, and Peter Levine, it’s not the experience of trauma that hurts us, it’s the absence of someone who is able to help us integrate our experience, that causes the trauma to dysregulate our nervous system and our ability to function in day to day (and crisis) life. This absence of someone who can stop making it about themselves leaves the lasting impact of trauma, until we are willing to find someone who is the right fit, for us to drop our guard, and see that we can be cared for, and included, even if we need to be our unique and different selves. It’s not an either or, it’s a both.
Sending love 💕