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Parenting Through Conduct Disorder — When Behaviour Has Become Unsafe
Ideally, we want to understand and help kids before their behaviour becomes something we are afraid of. But things can move quickly — one day the child is small enough to be picked up and taken to another room so they can calm down in a safer environment, and the next they have become stronger than we can contain.
To work with me directly, a child needs to be able to follow basic instructions — like keeping their fingertips on the Kirlian camera for five seconds without lifting or touching anyone else and staying in a red lit dark room (parent can be with them too) for a few minutes while the film develops. This is usually around age four or five. And I need to be able to trust them around breakable, expensive, and irreplaceable equipment.
What most people mean by conduct disorder
Before writing this page, I looked up what most people mean by conduct disorder. What I found was:
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Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), linked to autism and driven by fear
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Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), linked to ADHD and driven by mood and anger, and
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Conduct Disorder as the most severe form — approaching what would be considered criminal behaviour.
When I tune into this using my own sensitivity, I think the real question people are asking when they make a diagnosis: to what degree can we trust this child not to cause physical or property damage and is there anything we can do to lessen the risk?
What I saw with my youngest — and why early matters
When my youngest entered public school I red-flagged her in a way that most parents would not. Standard procedure at the time was to accommodate the weak, not the strong. I tried to explain that the strong will hurt the weak if the needs of the strong go unmet. The teachers seemed to understand, but the administration did not. I decided to keep my child home until I could trust her not to hurt others — and in that time I worked on helping her heal. This is what I have to offer others.
I know this feels like a luxury
I know there are families out there who are in survival mode — big behaviours, no time, no money, no energy, no support. What I do can feel like a luxury most can’t even imagine or allow into their lives. I do everything I can to help as many people as I can. But people need to see value and want help for this to work.
Sometimes the only possible starting point is to work with the parent first. When the parent feels better, they can start to wonder about their child's Unique Psychology. And when the child starts to feel like they are being heard — maybe then we can proceed to working with the child directly. That process is described here:
→ Navigating ADHD, Learning Disabilities, Anxiety, and Autism
What the behaviour is really saying
It is important to be grateful for the child who is raising a red flag. Something has gone wrong. Something needs to be made right. This work helps identify what.
When the parent heals, the child heals — because the child only acts up to save their parent. This is love, expressed in the only language available to them, given the circumstance.
My work is not about behaviour management or getting a child to fit the system. It’s about understanding, and making right, so the child can grow into their unique self.
Why I can speak to this
As someone who turned more toward self-harm than hurting others — or becoming a victim — I am well versed in how to help people who tend in that direction.
As someone who has been the victim of abuse, I can see where the bully is coming from too. Mainstream has no tolerance for children who are perceived as unkind. Often kids are sent to school with bigger problems left unresolved, and this can make everything harder. It is not the schools place to solve all the problems at home, and yet learning disabilities can emerge because those needs go unmet. Sometimes school feels like the safer than home. Not everything is going to be resolved when kids are small. Some kids simply have childhoods that they need to survive.
I’ve been there. I took one path but saw some of the others. I was impacted by them. And I know that understanding kids — why they do what they do, and giving them the ability to see things in a new way — helps them be more resilient, and make choices that allow them to live a life they want to live, rather than one they are living in order to prove that their parent/school failed to meet their need.
It is a lonely path, and you might be surprised to learn that it is the victim that calls in the bully, because they are also the one with the unmet need:
→ What 24 Prenatal Treatments Couldn't Reach — Headaches, Friendships, and the Layer We Miss
A final note
They say that girls go inward and boys go outward when something is not right. But the opposite is also true. All kids deserve help — even if at first we can only help their parents.
The child wants their parent returned to them whole more than anything else. There is nothing like when your child finally feels seen, understood, and supported by you — because your needs are met, and now you have space to hold space for them.
You are part of the dynamic that got you and your child to where you are now. Healing your part is what creates an opening for your child to be reached by someone else. The people the system sends, when things escalate further, will not be able to offer your child what you can, when you have healed.
→ Navigating ADHD, Learning Disabilities, Anxiety, and Autism
→ Parenting Through Big Emotions
→ Felt Safety and Kirlian Photography
→ What Does Alahnnaa Campbell Mean When She Says Autism, ADHD, and Mental Health Can Get Better?
→ Book a free 15-minute consultation