What if you've been trying so hard to help someone that you've overlooked what they actually need?
How understanding our own patterns—and the unique needs of the people we love—can change what becomes possible.
Have you ever tried everything you could think of to help someone you love, only to find that nothing seems to change?
Maybe your child keeps struggling with friendships, no matter how much you try to help them navigate the situation. Maybe your partner isn't doing what you think would improve their health. Or maybe you've spent years looking for answers, trying different treatments, and wondering why things aren't getting better.
What if the problem isn't that you haven't found the right solution yet?
What if there's something about the person you're trying to help—or your own participation in the situation—that you haven't understood?
I've been discovering this in my own family, and it has changed how I think about helping my husband, supporting my children, and even the treatments I choose as a practitioner.
Through Esogetic Medicine and Unique Psychology, I've learned to look at the experiences we attract as opportunities to recognize patterns that may still need healing, while also understanding that not everything about a person needs to be changed.
Sometimes we need to heal something. Sometimes we need to accommodate something. And sometimes we need to recognize that the person we're trying to help is simply different from us.
This isn't always a comfortable way of thinking.
In fact, it gets a lot of pushback.
"What about a child who's being bullied? Are you saying it's the child's fault?"
No. Attracting an experience isn't the same as deserving it.
But from an Esogetic perspective, the experiences we attract can reveal patterns within us that are asking to be healed.
And, of course, because I've been encountering this pushback, I've attracted this exact scenario into my own life.
As I work with my child to address it, I'm discovering how much there is for me to look at within myself.
But let me start at the beginning.
Why Do We Wait Until Things Get Worse?
When we try to help others, we often forget to take the time to understand what the problem is like for the person experiencing it.
We see this in schools, where children can struggle for years before they're flagged as needing extra help or understanding. Even then, there may be several levels of intervention they have to pass through before they can access an assessment that might help everyone understand what's going on and what to do about it.
We see it in healthcare, where people spend years monitoring symptoms, eventually bringing them to their family doctor, only to be dismissed or receive conventional treatment. By the time they reach someone practicing alternative medicine, there can be a disconnect between the language the practitioner speaks and the language the potential client understands.
We even see it in our relationships, when we try to get people to use something that worked for us, but they aren't willing or able to do what it takes to make that approach work for them.
I've seen how difficult things can become for children when their needs aren't understood early enough. I've also seen how forceful parents can become when they're trying to secure everything an assessment they've paid for says their child is entitled to.
Sometimes the school simply doesn't have the capacity to meet those demands, and the child ends up caught in the middle.
The assessment may be identifying genuine needs. The parents may be right to advocate for support. The school may be doing everything it can with the resources available.
But if everyone becomes focused on what someone else should be doing, we can lose sight of the child and what they are actually experiencing.
It Comes Down to Really Learning How to Listen
I've been thinking about this in my own home.
When I look at my husband's stress and what I see happening with our dog's health, I didn't realize until today the role I might be playing.
People say to me all the time, "You have three kids and a husband to take care of."
And I think, "What do you mean? I don't have to take care of my husband. He's an adult."
But there's something I've been overlooking.
My husband is a good person who does a tremendous amount for me and our family. When we had children, I helped establish the responsibilities I needed him to take on. Over time, I gradually added more to his plate while the children's needs increasingly filled mine.
Through Unique Psychology, I understand myself as a no-motors Projector. I don't have a lot of consistent energy for doing, but I can often see solutions that make things more efficient, and I can guide when that guidance is invited.
That's useful. It's part of how I contribute to our family.
But I can also see how, over time, I may have become very good at finding ways to conserve my own energy without recognizing how much more I was asking of my husband.
He was carrying out responsibilities that I'd helped organize, while I was increasingly occupied with the children, my clients, my computer, and the self-care I need to keep going.
And sometimes, when he undid something I'd arranged to make life easier for myself or the kids, I saw it as him making my life harder.
I hadn't really considered that he might be feeling the same way about me.
So today I cleaned the kitchen and his office.
Our dog is living in the same environment we are: my husband's stress, unfinished dishes, fur, craft projects, and everything else that accumulates when a household is stretched.
I don't know how much changing that environment will reverse the health problems I'm seeing in my husband or our dog. But I can see that continuing to tell him what I think he needs to do for his health isn't necessarily helping.
He already does a great deal for us. And maybe what he needs isn't another solution from me. Maybe he needs me to recognize what he's already carrying and find ways to be his partner that take his needs into consideration, too.
Understanding my own limitations doesn't mean overlooking the limitations of the people who are helping me.
That's part of what Unique Psychology has helped me recognize. We don't all have the same capacities, and the solutions that work for one person may come at a significant cost to another.
The same applies when a practitioner wants to convince someone that their approach is better than mainstream medicine.
Before we can explain why our approach might offer something different, we need to understand what the person is already doing, what mainstream medicine is offering them, and why those options may be attractive.
Of course, there are things mainstream medicine doesn't take into consideration. But there are things we aren't taking into consideration either. And sometimes those missing pieces explain why someone isn't interested in what we have to offer, no matter how convinced we are that it could help.
Owning What Is Ours
If I take this a step further, one of our kids was conceived through IVF.
It was a very difficult time for me. After our first unsuccessful round, we were told that my chance of success was less than 5%.
Over time, I've come to understand more and more of what that experience meant for me and, through Esogetic Medicine, its significance for my child.
My body wasn't in a state to naturally conceive and grow a child. We used hormones to stimulate the development of multiple eggs, my child was conceived outside my body, and her chance at life was determined by whether the technicians felt her embryo met certain developmental criteria.
In fact, they didn't recommend the transfer because they didn't want me to waste a government-funded round. I transferred her anyway because I didn't want to go through that process ever again, but that didn't change the environment she had to grow in.
From an Esogetic perspective, I understand this experience as contributing to fear, feelings of rejection, the need to be perfect, and more being built into the cells of her body. And, from a RestoreChi perspective, I understand that my cold womb may have put her brain at risk.
And that was only the beginning.
My labour was induced because of high blood pressure, and we both experienced swelling after birth. Sadly, I wasn't able to bond with her right away the way I did with my firstborn.
Looking back now, I wonder how much of that difficulty was connected to the medically assisted pregnancy and birth, including the use of synthetic hormones and their potential influence on the hormonal processes involved in bonding.
I joined a postpartum depression support group, so clearly I was struggling with something. And I made mistakes in how I cared for my kids.
With my son, I had quickly discovered that co-sleeping, babywearing, extended breastfeeding, and baby-led weaning worked for us. So, when his younger siblings came along, I thought that wearing and feeding them was all they needed.
I even left them with a friend so I could spend time with my son or work. Worse, I sometimes wore my youngest while working with clients and then had clients hold her if she woke up so we could finish the session.
I didn't realize how much doing this wasn't meeting the needs of my kids.
Esogetic Medicine and Kirlian photography look at how experiences during prenatal development, birth, and the first 0–3, 3–6, 6–9, and 9–12 years can affect a person's life, conflicts, and health. Not to assign blame, but to help us understand, have compassion, and work toward reversing the patterns that developed.
Esogetic Medicine also identifies both of my younger kids' desire for exclusive, one-on-one friendships as being partly connected to my own failure to give them that exclusivity when they were young.
And with an IVF conception, Esogetic Medicine sees an additional pattern around grounding and permanence.
My husband recently pointed out that she keeps attracting friendships with children who move away. Bad luck? Maybe. But again and again?
And when she repeatedly struggles with her friend group, my husband starts to wonder, "What is she doing to cause this?"
For me, the question goes further.
What do I still need to help her heal so she can navigate this with more ease, and what do I still need to learn about her Unique Psychology for this to make more sense to me?
It may be important to note that I had her because my husband asked me not to give up after our first failed IVF round. This and our coparenting struggle with all of our kids is ours to heal too.
Understanding Our Child's Unique Psychology
In Human Design, our child is a 5/2 triple split Projector.
The 5th-line profile is associated with a projection field, where other people may develop expectations about who she is and what she should be able to do. When she doesn't meet those expectations, the disappointment can become much larger than the situation itself.
Her 2nd line also carries a need to withdraw and have space away from other people's expectations.
Her triple split definition is understood as benefiting from contact with a variety of people and environments, rather than relying on one person or one fixed group to meet all her needs.
When I think about her friendships through this perspective, something shifts for me.
I've been worried about her being excluded, about friendships falling apart, and about what happens if she eventually runs out of people she feels comfortable being with.
But why am I assuming that staying in one friendship group is necessarily what she needs?
Maybe moving between different groups isn't always a sign that something is going wrong.
Maybe leaving a group that isn't treating her well, spending some time at home, and eventually finding other people she enjoys being with is exactly what she needs to be able to do.
If that movement is part of her design, then the goal isn't to make her stay somewhere she doesn't belong.
The goal is to help her become secure enough in herself to recognize which relationships are right for her and navigate them well.
That doesn't mean she has nothing to learn.
She still needs to understand the impact she has on other people. She needs to recognize when she's made a mistake, take responsibility, and make an effort to do better.
There aren't unlimited bridges she can burn.
But if she makes a genuine effort to repair a friendship, the people who value her may eventually come back around. And if they don't, that tells her something too.
I've said to her many times that it's very hard to lose a good friend, but a bad friend can be lost very easily by doing next to nothing wrong.
Of course, the other children are learning too.
They're doing the best they can to navigate their own experiences, expectations, insecurities, and relationships. They may not always handle things well, just as my daughter won't always handle things well.
I'm not interested in deciding which child is to blame.
I'm interested in helping my daughter recognize what she needs, understand her own contribution to a situation, and find people who can genuinely be there for her.
Because when things are difficult and you're looking for someone to hold you, it's worth holding out for someone who can really do that well.
Not everyone can. And that doesn't necessarily make them bad people.
Helping Her Navigate What Is Right for Her
This morning, when I didn't hear back from any of the moms who might have helped with this situation, I applied Esogetic treatment to help ground our child in feeling safe to be here, as she should have felt at conception.
I also addressed the cord-cutting phase, which Esogetic Medicine connects to the heart and small intestine. She does tend to have cold hands and feet and often experiences pain around her belly button.
I applied treatment to support her transition into adolescence, along with treatments intended to support brain regulation when emotions become challenging and help her navigate conflicts that arise after age nine.
It's a balance between accepting her Unique Psychology and helping her stay connected with who she is as she navigates life through Esogetic Medicine.
I'm not trying to make her fit into a friendship group that isn't right for her. I'm not trying to make her stop needing time alone or prevent her from moving between different groups of people. And I'm not trying to eliminate every difficult interaction she might have.
I simply want to help her feel safe enough within herself that she can recognize what is happening, learn what she needs to learn, and make choices that are right for her.
If she makes a mistake, I want her to be able to acknowledge it without feeling that she is fundamentally wrong. If someone treats her badly, I want her to recognize that she doesn't have to keep putting herself in that position just to maintain a friendship.
If she needs to withdraw for a while, I want her to feel comfortable doing that. And when she finds people who appreciate her for who she is, I want her to recognize the value of those relationships and learn how to care for them.
The Esogetic treatments are part of how I'm supporting her through that process.
Unique Psychology helps me recognize which aspects of her experience may be part of her natural way of navigating the world, rather than something that needs correcting.
And my own work is to recognize when there are things I need to address within myself.
Going home to clean for my husband before sitting down to write may seem unrelated to my daughter's friendships. But it's part of the same realization.
I can't keep focusing exclusively on what I think other people need to do. I have to look at what I'm contributing, what I'm overlooking, and what I can change.
Why Would You Want to Work With Me?
If you know deep down that you play a role in the experiences you attract, and you want to do your part to loosen those patterns so that you and your family can begin to experience something different, this work may be for you.
Perhaps you've been trying to help someone you love, but you're realizing that you're getting nowhere. Maybe, in some ways, your efforts are even making things worse.
Other people have their own experiences and lessons to work through. We cannot change what is on their list of things to learn. But we can work on ourselves. And as we do, we may begin to recognize possibilities that weren't available to us before. We may find ourselves able to walk through situations that once would have trapped us in conflict. We may even begin to dodge some of the bullets that used to come our way, because we're no longer participating in the same patterns that attracted them.
This doesn't mean everyone around us behaves perfectly or that others are saved from these experiences. Everyone is where they are based on what they have yet to work through. We can notice that, and know that it isn't ours to fix.
If this is where you want to get to, then that's a reason to come and work with me.
I'm not perfect. I'm going through it too. I'm sharing what I know and what I discover along the way, and I'm trying to learn from you too.
Using a combination of Esogetic Medicine, Kirlian photography, Unique Psychology, RestoreChi, and other approaches as needed, I've found a way to bring my background in psychology and social neuroscience, specializing in stress and health, into the work I do for myself and others.
Life is plenty hard without having to do everything the hard way.
There's a difference between a challenge we're up for and a permanent state of "I can't do this". I want to help you move through the first one, because there are tools and knowledge available to support that process. But it also has to feel like something you want to invest in.
Knowing yourself. Knowing your kids. Doing your part. Feeling better. Doing better.
If this resonates with you, book a free 15-minute consultation, and we can discuss where you're coming from and where you'd like to be.
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