The Hats We Hand Our Children When We Fail To Work On Ourselves
How to share what we've learned without passing on the fears, expectations, and conditioning we've accumulated along the way—and why sometimes helping our children means looking at ourselves.
Imagine a seven-year-old child sitting on a stool in the middle of a boxing ring.
Surrounding the ring are adults, each holding a hat representing something they've come to believe is important in life.
One throws in a hat labelled GRADES. Another offers MONEY. Others throw in BELONGING, SECURITY, ACHIEVEMENT, LOOKING GOOD, HEALTH, HEALING, BEING PRODUCTIVE, and KNOWING WHO YOU ARE.
Each adult has reasons for believing their particular hat matters.
Perhaps someone worked really hard to earn good grades to escape a bad situation. Perhaps another found that having your own money prevented others from deciding when to cut off your supply. Some people's experiences have taught them that looking good can get you upgraded, and others have learned that as long as you have good friends, you can get through anything.
As a child, having received a version of this, I discovered that grades and money were not enough to secure happiness, fulfilment, and health. So I founded my business and would toss in KNOWING WHO YOU ARE.
But I am fully aware that I would not have been able to do this if I wasn't standing on the shoulders of people who put the other hats on and settled the money, grades, belonging, and looking-good situation for me to lean upon.
My dad tells me often that it's the degrees I have under my belt that give the work I do some validity. And when my child struggled with school, it was my family's solid financial foundation that allowed us to get him a psychoeducational assessment, fully paid for, in a couple of weeks. Most families simply can't do this.
So they're not wrong.
And it has been very healing to see each of us pitch in what we've got: money, time, the ability to communicate, and the willingness to be open to seeing things in a new way (maybe our kids aren't lazy or rude, maybe they're struggling and doing the best they can, given what they have difficulty with). Each role is significant and an important step forward in healing the family.
No one is trying to hurt a child by passing on what they've learned, but most people forget that the child has the right and the capacity to learn and discover for themselves what will buy them the freedom they seek.
When I ask my kids what they think is the key to freedom, the older two say, "I don't know," and the younger one says, "Learning."
I love it.
I said I was surprised she didn't say "being with mama" because she relies on me a lot. But when I offered that, she said, "Mama and learning. I don't know."
I think we confuse our kids when we try to offer them the answer that feels right for us. It feels confusing to me that I even said what I did to my child.
The Difference Between Offering Wisdom and Conditioning a Child
I think this is where things get complicated.
We've all accumulated wisdom that we want to share because it feels good to do so and because we don't want to see our kids suffer. We want to open doors for them.
That said, sometimes the doors we want to open are not as good as the doors they would open for themselves if we just let them find what is right for them.
We are not out in the world they're in with them. We don't know how our suggestions feel in that context. We don't even know how they feel when different options are presented to them, so how can we guide them from such a distance?
It reminds me of this:
My dad isn't wrong about the value of my degrees. While I think I could do this without them, there are clients who say they only came to me because I have degrees to back up what I'm doing.
For me, all my degrees show is that I've always had an interest in this direction, and I went far enough with it academically to know what I am talking about. But it is only when I found alternative ways of doing things that I was able to do something about what I could see to make things better for myself and others.
I certainly don't want my kids to grow up thinking that money doesn't matter when I've seen how much easier life can be when you can get what you need and provide for your family.
Working with Unique Psychology for over 10 years, I know that my kids don't need to know who they are. Knowing who they are is for me to remember why they do what they do.
Every once in a while, I'll say, "Yes, that makes sense for you because of your Unique Psychology," or "This is a strategy you can try because of your Unique Psychology." But mostly, Unique Psychology is for me to explain to others why they do what they do and to come up with strategies that are more aligned with how they work because then the strategies have a better chance at being successful.
Understanding who your child is gives you a solid reason to resist the temptation to condition them into the wrong kind of success for them—the kind that's only going to bring everyone misery.
I love that my youngest said the key to freedom is learning because she is absolutely right. If we learn from our experiences, then we don't stay stuck repeating the same problems longer than we need to. This is absolutely a tenet of my work.
And it's okay if she meant it in another way, too.
The older two and their "I don't know"s also make sense. They're bombarded with so many shoulds at school, maybe also in their social groups, plus what they place on themselves based on what they see online. Maybe they're not meant to know.
And, ironically, they both have a defined emotional system, so they should wait to see how they feel over time before making any major decisions (like what's going to bring them freedom).
Their little sister has an open emotional system, but she's also completely open. So, where my open emotional system and defined spleen let me know in the moment what will keep me safe, she needs to wait 28 days to process and arrive at her answer.
So I get that she said one thing, then another, then "I don't know."
Helping parents understand their child's Unique Psychology is one thing I do, and then we branch.
If your child is older and it's time for them to remember who they are because they've been conditioned, because no one knew any better when they were little, then having them come in to learn about themselves and validate their experience makes complete sense.
The other branch, applicable to everyone, is that when you know who you are, being that person isn't always easy.
When you want to say no and you know the other person wants you to say yes. When you feel so much information, pressure, or conflicting messages outside and around you, and also inside you, that you don't even know how to find a place where you can feel calm, rest, and feel okay.
That's when Esogetic Medicine steps in.
This can be early on, when the child is small. Within the Esogetic understanding, each time they're sick can be an indication that the information outside, around, and inside them is too much to process. You (or we) can apply treatment so your child can digest what they're experiencing and find themselves again.
The same is true for the young adult, older child, parent, or anyone.
From this perspective, we can become unwell, mentally, emotionally, or physically, when we can't process what has happened and what is happening to us.
And, just like the image above, it's not simply about objective reality or what others feel in the same situation. It's an accumulation of what we still carry from childhood, birth, our past lives, and more, together with this moment that we're experiencing in a way that causes conflict or dissonance.
We may need a bit of help sorting it out, and verbal methods can only go so far.
Esogetic Medicine offers non-verbal ordering, while Kirlian photography gives us a way, within this system, to look for where things are stuck or out of order. This helps us decide what treatments to apply and what to look for afterward to evaluate the response.
So if your child is lost or struggling, no matter their age, we can help.
What Helping Actually Looks Like
Sometimes the best place to start is with the parent because, when we understand our child's Unique Psychology, we can stop trying to fix things that aren't broken and start recognizing where they genuinely need help in being themselves.
And sometimes we need to look at ourselves.
So often, I find that what the child is going through is as much for our benefit as it is for theirs. Sometimes, once we capture the lesson, the problem seems to disappear because the pattern that was keeping it going has changed.
This can be hard for parents to accept because we want to be the ones avenging our helpless kids. But many parents will tell you they've learned so much by watching how their kids navigate difficult things.
It goes back to them being the ones in the room. We have to trust that we've raised them well enough to make the best decisions they can, given what they're being presented with.
Another reason parents can feel bad about this notion is that no one wants to think it's their fault their child is suffering because they haven't learned their lesson yet.
I've lost friends over this, but it's something I believe deeply, based on my own experiences.
In a sense, kids are closer to God than we are.
What I mean by this is that they've been in this life for less time. They've had fewer years to accumulate the conditioning that prevents us from seeing what is.
While some kids learn early that they need to become someone else to be accepted, loved, or safe, this is a newer lesson for them. So it is generally easier for them to shed, especially when their parents are on board, than it is for someone who's been living that reality for 30 or more years.
I believe and know from Esogetics that kids will go to extraordinary lengths to help us recognize what we're carrying, even when it comes at a tremendous cost to them. They may repeat or amplify patterns we're struggling with until we recognize the part we're contributing to the situation.
Having been a kid who wanted to heal my parents, I know how powerful that need can be.
And it's not just a spiritual concept.
As children, our survival depends on our parents. When they're okay, we feel okay. A child who senses that a parent is struggling may become incredibly invested in trying to make things better, even when doing so comes at the expense of their own needs.
I think this is what Bruce Lipton meant when he said that cooperation is the key to survival, because balance is how we end up with a successful garden.
Our children aren't separate from us, trying to survive at our expense. We're interconnected, and what happens to one of us affects the others.
But that doesn't mean our children should have to carry what belongs to us.
When I watch YouTube with my kids, I see a lot of young influencers vowing to be the best parents they can be, and I wonder how many realize that being a better parent may involve working through their own childhood experiences, rather than simply deciding to do things differently.
When we recognize and work through our own conditioning, we can stop relying on our children to show us what we haven't yet been able to see.
And that may free them to get on with the business of being themselves.
Working With Me
Maybe your child is having difficulty at school, with friendships, with their health, with your co-parent, or with expectations they don't know how to meet.
Maybe your teenager is overwhelmed by decisions about their future, or they're trying so hard to be who everyone expects them to be that they've lost touch with what feels right for them.
Maybe you're tired of struggling with the school, your co-parent, or extended family, and you'd just like to feel supported for a change.
There is so much we can do when you become open to understanding more.
If any of this sounds familiar, you can book a free 15-minute consultation so we can discuss where it might make sense to start.
Where Do We Start?
We might start with understanding your child's Unique Psychology, your own, or jump straight into Esogetic Medicine for yourself or your child.
I've had several clients where I eventually noticed that giving them their Unique Psychology was counterproductive.
Too much information about how a person is supposed to be can make them even more rigid, making them harder to work with. I should have just held on to their Unique Psychology for myself, to understand why they do what they do, and then used Esogetic Medicine to help set them free.
I'm not saying Unique Psychology isn't incredibly useful, because it is a big part of how I can be so effective at what I do while avoiding a lot of unnecessary pain.
But knowing who you are and being able to live as that person are two very different things.
Someone carrying a great deal of conditioning can learn their Unique Psychology and agree to follow it. In Human Design, this is called experimenting with your unique Strategy and Authority.
Within that system, there's the idea that after seven years of consistently following your Strategy and Authority, you can become deconditioned.
But we have better tools now than we did then.
A person doesn't necessarily need to wait seven years for life to teach them. Esogetic Medicine has a specific brainwave program, along with several alternatives, designed to help us let go of childhood conditioning. I discuss these alongside other programs in my article Morning Symptoms, Sleep & Esogetic Brainwave Programs.
And there is much more we can explore when we use Kirlian photography.
Understanding What Is Getting in the Way
With Kirlian photography, I can look at a person's developmental psychology and how it impacts their present life and health. This helps me select Esogetic treatments that might help, and an after photo can give us an indication, within that framework, of what worked well, how, and what to focus on next.
I'm still working on how much information to give each person based on what they can handle, because the goal isn't to give them everything or get them to come as often as possible.
It's to help them in a way that allows them to be successful in the long run.
Helping Your Child Without Making School More Difficult
We can also use Kirlian photography to explore why your child might be struggling at school and Esogetic Medicine to help make things easier.
Schools may need different kinds of evidence than what we can provide. And, in a way, it's good for them to discover needs using their own tools.
A psychoeducational assessment and an IEP can be incredibly valuable in helping a child get the support they need. But when we approach the school with an assessment in hand, treating the IEP as a legal document that we can use to demand compliance rather than a plan we can work together to develop and implement, it's easy to see how we might be setting ourselves up for a battle.
Sometimes that battle says more about our unhealed childhood wounds than about what might be best for our child, the school, and ourselves.
For a long time, I worried that if we helped a child feel or function better, they might no longer demonstrate enough difficulty to receive the support they need.
I now recognize that this was an old way of thinking, based on my conditioning that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" and "they only level the playing field, they don't help you if you've made an effort to help yourself as much as you can". This is not true. It can actually be more satisfying to help a child who struggles with something when they are capable of being respectful because their other needs have been met.
A child can be struggling tremendously, but if the adults around them are having difficulty communicating or working together, it becomes harder for those adults to focus on finding a solution for the child because they're busy trying to find a solution for themselves.
I say this not to be mean, but because:
My goal is to work with children in adult form, whether that's working with parents to understand their kids or with adults to heal what happened to them when they were children.
It's absolutely okay to still have unhealed wounds from childhood.
What becomes less okay is when we continue to make our child's life harder because the righteous path is to make it about them, while the vulnerable path is to look at the aspects that are purely about us.
Sometimes the most useful thing we can do for our child is recognize that everyone is bringing a different hat to the situation and figure out how to use what each person has to offer without insisting that anyone else wear it.
If you'd like to explore what might help you or your child, you can book a free 15-minute consultation when you feel like you're ready.
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