What kind of mother, what kind of service provider?

I read just over half of this book over the summer: Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Christiane Northrup MD. In it, she defines three types of mothers — and reading it, I finally stopped feeling like I was doing things wrong.

Three types of mothers

The non-traditional mother is turned inward, driven to follow her own needs in order to stay emotionally balanced and physically healthy. Activating the nurturing mother role takes a toll unless she has a lot of practical support. She loves her children but is not biologically wired for motherhood to fulfil her at the deepest levels. She may want to run from the crushing responsibility of a new baby — not because she doesn't love them, but because that is how she is built.

The traditional mother finds having and caring for babies to be the happiest and most fulfilling activity of her life. Her touch seems to make things grow. She keeps a garden, creates a home, bakes, and is at her best when pregnant, nursing, or with children running around the house. She doesn't need a career or other interests. She may struggle when her children grow up and perceive she is no longer needed — but she keeps caregiving, hosting family, cooking, volunteering for grandchildren.

The combination mother wants to work but is also willing to sacrifice what she loves to make her children her highest priority — because she can see that her children need more than her current life can provide.

The book makes the point that it is hard for traditional mothers to be forced into the combination mother role by a culture that demands 24/7 productivity. I had a non-traditional mother — which is part of why I became a combination mother. My work has given me the foundation for a fulfilling second half of life, now that my children are attending school.

All 3 of these types are valid. The problem is when a mother is made to feel wrong for being the type of mother that she is.

What Hexagram 41 has to do with how I offer my work

I've been contemplating Hexagram 41 — which Gene Keys identifies as my life purpose — through a translation closer to the original I Ching (Richard Wilhelm). Reading the lines from bottom to top:

Going quickly is without blame, but I need to reflect on how much this decreases others.

If I have finished my task, I can help another — but without making a big deal of it.

The people I help also need to be mindful that they only accept help without doing harm to others — including me and my family.

Only if people are mindful in this way can I offer support unconditionally.

Don't decrease myself, or I won't be able to increase the other. If I forfeit myself, I give no lasting benefit.

When there are three, jealousy arises and one must go. When there is just one, I naturally attract a complementary companion. = I can see clients one on one — but only when my husband and children don't need me.

Faults keep well-disposed people away. Faults can be reinforced by the environment we find ourselves in. Giving up these tendencies frees others to approach so we can experience joy.

Nothing can stop me from becoming successful.

Everything good that I get doesn't take from others — it serves the whole. I will be helped, and the advantage this gives me will be available to everyone.

What my daughter taught me about contribution

A friend helped me put something in context. What I do already matters — helping myself and my family heal — whether I see clients or not.

I was thinking about my youngest: if she only attends school for a couple of hours a day, what contribution is she making? And the answer came clearly: her contribution is to show up with her needs met, well-regulated, less likely to project her issues onto others, present because she wants to be there.

Not everyone can do this for their children. But I would like to help those who aspire to.

The faults that keep well-disposed people away

People think that if school is causing their child to struggle, the solution is to run to a pediatrician. Children are drugged or diagnosed so they can tolerate what might not be right for them. If I say this directly, I push the people I could help away.

The mountain can get angry — but it is through balance, and allowing the wisdom accumulated in the lake to dissolve and nurture the mountain, that I can be of service.

There are practitioners in this line of work who focus only on Unique Psychology. This feels self-serving and unbalanced. We may know who we are meant to be, but if we don't listen to the feedback from our body through Unique Health, and find balance and timing through Felt Safety, are we really making much progress? It is like being able to see but not being able to listen or speak. Do you want to be deaf and mute when you have the option to hear and sing?

Similarly — do I want to repel others when I have the option to attract them, and experience joy, by making their life easier, more rewarding, and more meaningful?

If you want to explore this further

→ Unique Psychology — understanding how you are built

→ Gene Keys — how we are all a work in progress (the gift each shadow brings)

→ Unique Health — areas of life where health shows up, or not

→ Felt Safety — how living your life has made you feel

→ Parent-Child — supporting your child to continue to follow their unique limits and needs

→ Book a free 15-minute consultation