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Positive Disintegration

A client/friend has been using this term lately and finally sent me a podcast with a digestible definition:

Yesterday I was taken aback by a comment my father made on a Facebook post of mine, inferring that if it weren't for covid, he would have forced my younger child to have more tidy hair much sooner than I am starting to do now, because it is required to continue with some of her programs.

While, in truth, I am annoyed at this request, because she has never been asked to put her hair up, her hair naturally stays out of her face because of the way it grows, but we are now being told that hair up was always the rule, mostly because other kids her age need their hair up. And I know dance class can be strict, because I was in dance as a child, it contributed to my belief that I am fat and irreparably flawed. This request did not come from dance, it came from gymnastics. Gymnastics was one of the only programs to bend and allow my child to have me present in the class, for her and everyone else's safety. Dance kicked us out, but after a year, has had a change of heart. Realizing that the way one has done things for 20yrs may need to change. I am grateful to see this is possible.

Back to my dad. I responded "if my child didn't have developmental milestones during covid, when the majority of family stayed away because of fear, she'd be a different kid" and that "my eldest still doesn't like stuff done to him" as my dad is so proud of what he did to my older kids when he babysat them when they were young. My dad likes to claim victory over forcing children to be or not to be, you fill in the blank.

I then deleted my response, and his because, to be honest, covid was a blessing in disguise. I honestly think at times my youngest may have called it in, to keep unhealthy people away.

Kids are hypnogogic until age 6/7yrs. They have no protection from integrating what they are exposed to. While it is impossible to expose a child to nothing bad, we can do our best to be selective, and also to be honest with ourselves, when we realize we made some mistakes. As I continue to discover, as I read more about why my kids are the way they are.

I always thought it was my child who had a problem, that prevented her from participating like other kids, even though I am happy to keep her out, because of what participation did to my older kids, she is also incredibly aggressive, which builds an indisputable case to keep her out.

Let me take a step back. I have been dreading attending another program, because I never know how we are being judged and what inappropriate expectation she will be exposed to, that will set her off. I go because she wants to go, and I have decided to honour her choice.

In the program yesterday, I saw what she is responding to, and it hurt me to see. There are several kids who have not landed in their body, or have done so in a very maladjusted way for their age. For my child, this is very scary. She wants me to be aware of it, and she seeks to be next to the teacher for protection.

While she used to be scared of younger kids because they are unpredictable, and many of their parents are not watching/guiding them. They are too busy chatting, or thinking about idealistic things, rather than what makes sense here and now. Now we see kids who can enter a class without their parent, but something is very wrong. Some steps have been missed, to make outside behavior more appropriate than in the house behaviour. I don't want to blame the parents, or to act as though disorder has a deadline.

I remember some good teachers saying that "it was impressive that I was red-flagging my own child upon entry into school, as most parents try to hide it". I flagged her to make sure everyone was aware and ready. My child was appropriately 4yrs old. But when you have a 10yr old acting 4, it's disturbing, because they are big, and should not be competing with 4yr olds for the eye of the teacher. I get why they seek it, I get why they want me out of the class, this is not to be witnessed, but it leaves unqualified teachers alone with something they can't understand.

I am grateful for the early whack-a-mole approach, to prevent this from happening. I am only as good as I can be, I can not provide what "others" do. In the sense that we are all different, and kids need exposure to different to create their whole self. The world is not just mommy and daddy, and siblings (if you're lucky). It's annoying extended family and community, with varying degrees of being responsible, awake, having done varying degrees of work on themselves, to question what they were taught, and to find out who they truly are, healing/processing their trauma, wounds, and conflicts, so as not to project/vomit it onto others. A house of mirrors.

I don't mean to digress and contradict my belief for protection. I wrote an article that has been removed from the internet, about how learning disabilities may be protection.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia, at the same time, I graduated with more than double the number of grade 13 credits required to go to university, I have 3 university degrees, I was fully funded to keep going, but I could not because of my mental health (I.e., it was not the right path for me, I could not accept what was being done to study participants, not informing them of the likely consequences for their actions on their unborn children, because the investigator felt entitled to the data, to prove her theory, it was a gros misuse of power, this is what our government funds). And also, back when kids were crossing guards, I distinctly remember giving a presentation to other crossing guards on the pattern in which they should move together, to ensure coverage of all sides. It haunts me - why did I think about that so much and want to share it?

I woke this morning from a bad dream. In the dream I was asleep, fighting to wake. The staff who wanted access to my child without me, had sent someone over to work with her, but they were doing the dishes, waiting for me to wake. My husband came home and I was able to yell from under my deep sleep "where is our child?" and I was getting upset at his vagueness. The staff (who I knew well) responded that I had no right to speak to him that way, but I responded "I have no right to question my husband on the whereabouts of our child?" To which the staff said "I had that right". My husband sheepishly admitted that he had let his sister take our child out. Someone I don't trust, I don't find reliable, because I find her to be highly programmed, which makes her dangerous, because this makes her think she is right, and she's not, so she is passing on dis-ease. I've even told her "you are not well, from the theories you stand by, so why do you think it's healthy to push them on children?" I don't think it absorbed. These are our mainstream teachers.

I woke from my dream distraught.

This weekend I have agreed to be part of an event, to share what I have to offer. I have decided to do so without my family, because my youngest can not tolerate me talking to others. She needs my protection at all times, and I don't want to make a scene. When she feels unsafe, no one is safe. That said, now she will go with my husband, who will go with his family, she will be impacted, without my protection. She will have fun, and be fine, and my husband can handle it, and I trust him. She wants access, even though part of her wants me, to keep her safe.

I've always been torn. I know I have something of value to offer, and that I need to offer it for my understanding to grow, though it's already grown quite a lot. At the same time, I never wanted to do this at the expense of my family.

I dread the things that come because I sense them. I don't know how they will turn out, or where the shock will come from. I was born under the cross of the unexpected in human design, and I carry one of the soul destinies that I believe is capable of going through positive disintegration.

I have been diagnosed with similar mental health problems as the person in the podcast above. I have come off all my medication, because I have found other ways to work through the things that make me feel sick, so I don't "go crazy".

I've had to walk out and walk back into this life. My parents were not equipped to raise me, and yet I know their experience made me, and I do feel my mother checked out, because that is the only way she could have played this role for me in this life. Yet, her human self is full of landmines for having done so, that any attempt to love her, results in being attacked, so I keep her at bay.

And here I sit, gifted, knowing my child has over excitabilities, we sense danger, it destabilizes us. You can blame us for not being "cool" with what other people are doing, but it's not that. My child feels fear, which she covers with anger, and she has the strength and power to follow it through. Mainstream responds to this with a pipeline from preschool to prison.

She needs a high integrity teacher to show her how to use her power with integrity. These are lessons beyond the curriculum of public school, because the majority of people, who choose to be taught by the government, have very little integrity. It's all force, factory school, illness.

While true disintegration doesn't know where it is until after it has landed safely on the other side. There are two things that I hesitate on in the intro above:

1) the belief that one must do a lot for others in order to reach higher levels. To me this is ego. Ego wants to say "I have done for others". Ego wants immortal recognition for having done. Ego (like Elenor Rosevelt, mentioned in the podcast above as being realized) writes it's memmoir.

2) true spiritual growth does not require years of study on the structure of spiritual growth. The structure was built as a part of the founder's journey into his own growth process. We can read, listen, identify with, but not follow. We will disintegrate in our own way, according to our own wounds. Most of us will not be able to write the structure of our disintegration, because we will live it and be transformed by it, to a place where there are no words, and the best way to help others, is to let go and let them find it for themselves.

I hope this is helpful?

I do think the modalities I use can help. As they can point to our lessons, vulnerabilities, strategies, wisdom, to help us through each of the possible paths we are expected to take, but not in a rigid way. More "there for you when you need it". There is no start to finish. Just support along the way. Sometimes with more ego, sometimes with less. Protection, and openness, each at the right time. Vague for protection, and obvious enough, for those who are meant to understand. You've got this! And hopefully, so do I and my family!

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