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Why I don’t provide secure attachment, and where you can find it…

Updated: 7 days ago

This book is important for many reasons:



In Esogetics, they say ages 12-24yrs are important because, if we meet someone supportive or develop a passion in this time, it can help us resolve a lot of our conception, prenatal, birth, and childhood issues.


This book, however, suggests that one of the most important parts of this time is to differentiate ourselves, integrate these different parts of ourselves, and understand that other people are different from us, and we can work with them too.


While there are many great acronyms in this book, like ES-SE-N-CE = emotional spark, social engagement, novelty seeking, and creative expression. And that we should try to foster these aspects our whole lives, not just try to find ways for kids age 12-24yr to work through these needs in a safe manner. What I like about this book is it's not pigeonholed into what my mom got me when I was a kid "what's happening to my body" which was totally body focused. True to form, this book encourages people not to get stuck on a single edge of the rim, by showing them other aspects of the rim of experience, and that they can step back to the hub of the wheel, where each aspect of the rim becomes less overwhelming: https://drdansiegel.com/wheel-of-awareness/


A nice surprise in this book was the best definition I have read for the various (secure, avoidant, ambivalent, disorganized, reactive) attachment styles (and that we can have different attachment styles with different people, though we may have an overall style):



Reading this suggests that I have an avoidant attachment style. I came to the conclusion that my needs would not be met, so I don't go to others for comfort. I've started to do so with my husband. And I have noticed sadness coming to the surface from time to time, which I thought was sadness that others could not see their options to be free but, reading this, I realize it's sadness because we all need connection with others, without connection it is true that I experience less joy. I probably need to shift the people I want to connect with, to those who are actually available for that kind of connection, see more on this below.


It was sad to realize, that my kids might have an ambivalent attachment style with me because, when they return to me for a safe harbor, they stay longer than a minute, and sometimes they have trouble launching away, as if their cup with me takes longer to fill.


I've certainly made mistakes in trying to balance my needs and theirs. I spend a lot of time reading, writing, and learning. One can imagine that I am not always fully present for them. What I am learning to be of service to others is my counter point to being a full time mom, to have something for me. I didn't realize the importance of attachment, seeing all their changing states and mirroring them, I'm sure their emotionality bothers me more than it should at times (avoidant attachment appears to be more thinking-based, trying to avoid difficult emotiins, while ambivalent seems to be more drowning in emotions with a loss of access to words, and disorganized seems to be more of a tug of war between emotions and survival, resulting in dissociation, I've been there too, which may be why I feel safer on the avoidant side, grounded into some semblance of integrated wholeness, rigid as opposed to chaos). I have to remember my own Human Design, and where I came from. My parents were either unavailable or too intrusive (emotionally immature). I don't take naturally to secure attachment, in fact, when I started to have romantic relationships, my attachment style was reactive (see images above), it's no wonder most people ran away from me, which I experienced as repeated heartbreak, rejection, and confirmation that there was indeed something wrong with me.


I like how this book both defines the different type of intimate relationships one might have (any combo of sexual, love, and attachment) and the chemicals and brain areas involved, not only in different types of relationships, but also in addiction. Where resting dopamine levels are lower in adolescence, which is why they are more prone to feeling bored. And how, because adolescents seek novelty (new ways of seeing things and an expansion of consciousness), the release of dopamine when they think about, plan, or ingest alcohol or drugs, from the brain stem, up into the limbic region, and then into the cortical area, is so sought after. There is a lot of emphasis on integrating these 3 layers of the brain in Esogetic Medicine too, especially for conflict resolution, and a recent focus on the prefrontal cortex.


This book also shares that it's not just parents creating poor attachment that can result in kids having difficulty, we also have inborn temperaments, which make us more open to or afraid to try something new. Like teens going off to school (this book also includes how to welcome college graduates home, as many can not afford to go out on their own after graduating, and some might even have difficulty finding a job).


The author emphasized that it is more important for us to find our differentiated selves and learn how to be our own best friend (using the techniques shown in the book) than it is for us to latch onto someone else as an attachment figure, too soon in our adolescent years. As doing so would result in us resenting the other, because we didn't get a chance to find our differentiated and integrated selves, because our attachment bond became too important for us to maintain.


I debated whether I needed to provide more secure attachment strategies for my clients, as if my avoidant attachment style was doing them a disservice, and also not serving my children, as our eldest just turned 12. But, I decided that there are practitioners out there for that. I don't need to invalidate what I can do. I deliberately made the choice not to get into the business of charging people over and over and over and over to create a secure attachment with me, then what?


While the author shares that he doesn't tell any of his clients what to do, he holds space for them to find it for themselves (and at times he plants seeds).


This is how Esogetics works too. We see what needs connecting, then we connect the areas, and we allow it to unfold in the person's life.


The other half of my work is reading charts for people (while this has some aspect of safe. seen, soothed, and secure, it is not the same as giving them space to speak and be heard for as long as needed, which is what a more attachment-focused approach would provide, even Divine Healing says "don't let them go into a story, you just want them to connect to it, not get attached", Esogetics too is less about listening to the story, and more about confirming what pattern needs to be treated, to lessen reliance on the practitioner and give the client more ownership and responsibility over their life and healing) and letting them know where the patterns turn up in their life, so they can start to recognize it for themselves. I am grateful that I don't need to drain my clients' resources to pass on information that they can use, when they are ready to use it. Though I recognize, this is a part of my inability to receive.


I am of course limited at this time, with my youngest with me 24/7, not ready to share me with others. The consequence of me not knowing her needs when she was young. Foolishly thinking, that because I was an attachment, cosleeping, baby wearing, extended nursing, babyled everything parent, that was enough. It wasn't. I know that I left her in situations that were less than ideal, because I didn't know her needs, and others could not provide what I normally do. Plus, she is working through some pretty heavy Soul Contract and Gene Keys lessons, with a vulnerable Human Design, a lot of which I chose, for my own spiritual ego, to see what it would be like to raise a child like this...


I am grateful that there are practitioners and techniques out there, to hold space or teach people to hold space for themselves. My mom always said "you need to learn to enjoy your own company" but what this book does is teaches you how to be your own best friend, how to move from hyper focus on something bad to stepping back and seeing the big picture. Each of us has unlimited free time with ourselves, not with others. While it is important to work on attachment skills, because we are social beings, it is also important to learn how to hold space for ourselves. My go to for this has been Divine Healing, see https://www.yourlifeplan.ca/post/write-it-down-and-what-if-trauma-precedes-being-gifted

...which I offer at a reduced rate, because it takes time and trust in the process. I would have offered holding space for people's attachment needs at a reduced price too, but that is not what I am here to do for my clients, it's what I'm here to do for my kids and husband. It feels too akward to do this for others, let ROCK or other professionals handle what comes more naturally to them.


I've never wanted to be a performing artist. Though I did try to earn grades for my dad, pretending that I was failing, in the hopes that 80-90% would be enough. It never was, because he doesn't really have any love to give, he wasn't given any as a child. This is why I shied away from mediumship as a modality, I offer things that are concrete, that anyone can see for themselves.


It's not bad to be the person my life experience has led me to be, even if I still have work to do, even if some of my clients would like me to be different. That's their story, as a friend/client shares "going to the liquor store to buy a winter coat". Not my fault, even if it pains me not to sell winter coats, if that is what the person really needs. I know, like sliding doors, our reality changes, as soon as we capture the lesson.


I hope this is helpful, to see where what you are looking for may be found.


We are all a work in progress, and our unique experience allowed us to develop gifts that are of value.


My whole business was built on the foundation of helping people understand why they suffer, so they have the motivation to keep on keeping on, even when its hard. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and instructions on how to get there (even if they are not as clear as some might like them to be).


I think Robyn's work is more about providing people with an experience of secure attachment over a long period of time. My work tries to cut to the chase, because I don't want to charge you more, nor do I have any more to give at this time.

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