For the past week my 3.5yrs daughter has been saying "I don't want to go to school/daycare anymore, I don't like my friends anymore, I don't like my teachers anymore".
I know, we have probably all heard this from our kids, from time to time, and many parents with very little compassion say: "well, you have to go, what's wrong with your teacher, she seems great, and you love your friends!"
Well, I tend to dig a little deeper, and this is what I found!...
My daughter is very sensitive!
By her Astrology she is a Gemini rising and her natal moon also sits in Gemini. This means: how she is viewed by her friends/peers is VERY important to her!
She is also a triple split, 5/2, projector by Human Design. The triple split is again another indication of how social she wants to be. The 5/2 is in indication that people will often misunderstand who she is and will either expect too much or too little from her, and it is critical that she knows who she is and that she continually correct the expectations that others may have of her. The projector means she is one of 20% of the population who is here to guide others, and if her efforts are not appreciated she is going to feel very bitter.
And finally, her Soul Contract shows that she has a Physical Karma 7-7. This means that she is forever evaluating what people like about her and what they don't like and she is going to hide the parts they don't like and create a mask of the things they do like. You may think: "What's the problem with that? Isn't that adaptive?". The problem is, when someone is always trying to please others they are becoming less whole, and their heart is literally breaking in the process.
So, here is what happened with my daughter...
She has been in 4 childcare facilities since age 18 months, and at home with me between some of these transitions. This means that her trust has been broken many times and she does not know the routine like the kids who have been in her daycare from the start.
Here is their routine: Every week on Friday they have Show and Share. Show and Share means that the kids bring in an item that starts with the letter of the week. The letters go in alphabetical order (i.e., last week the letter was D, this week it is E).
Because my daughter has had her trust broken so many times, she wants a transition item to support her transition from home to school. Often this transition item is her Minnie Mouse doll.
We did not know about Show and Share, nor did I know that my daughter was trying her best to make a contribution to Show and Share by adding her transition item to the Show and Share bin.
So, when Show and Share came around, her friends pointed to her Minnie Mouse doll, that she had added with love and pride, just to be included, and said "Hey, Minnie Mouse doesn't start with D, does it?", and the teacher said "No, it does not".
Now, to some, this is minor, but to my daughter she said: "This hurt my feelings".
So, I spoke with the teacher and explained the incident. I said I hope this will help you and my daughter repair your relationship. Her teacher's response was "our relationship is fine", and my response was "yes, maybe from your perspective, but not from hers!"
What could the teacher have said instead? She could have said:
- No, it doesn't, but Lexie brings in this doll to support her to transition into the classroom, does anyone else have a transition item to support them some of the time?
- No, it doesn't, but can anyone see something on this doll that does begin with a "D" (the dots on her dress, maybe)?
I looked to my daughter to see where she was at with this conversation, and her face was relieved and strong. Like she was saying: "Thank you for helping my teacher hear my concerns".
I always look to the child for feedback when adults speak about them. We can be so clever as adults, so clever and so wrong, and it is important to check in with the child to see if we are on target (and helping the situation), or not.
For an example of a parent NOT helping the situation, see this article: Are you one of the two to five percent of parents who can embrace my services?
I wonder what light bulb this article may light in you?
Are you able to take the time to see your child's point of view and advocate for them so that they can have a better time at daycare or school? Or are you still going to over-ride how they feel and tell them to toughen up, without even considering the pain and opportunity for you to build strength in your child, not through shaming, but through showing them that they have a right to voice how something made them feel?
Kids need compassion, NOT toughening up. And when we engage with the process of compassion, everyone learns a positive lesson!
Love and Bless, Strong Family!
Family Dynamics and Life Purpose Specialist