(this article may be a work in progress)
When I was a kid, my mom often said: “I hope you get a child just like you!”, as if that was the punishment I deserved.
But, what did she mean? A child like me? What do my parents hate so much about me, that they would wish the same torment upon me?
This is the thought that woke me early this morning. And the answer?
I think it really bothers my parents that I won’t just con-form, that what mainstream thinks is impressive is of little interest to me, and that I see every flaw and expect too much of everyone.
I am listening to this book on Spotify (also available on YouTube):
Mostly it’s about how to listen deeply and speak lovingly, which means to listen with the only goal being to lessen the suffering of others, and to only make suggestions on how to correct wrong thinking or wrong action after fully listening to the other. Its also about speaking truth, without exaggerating, at the level the other is ready to hear, in a way that does not increase anger or fear, so you have compassion for self and others. Listening and speaking in this way, reduces everyone’s level of suffering.
Add to this: From an Esogetic Medicine perspective, I’ve been dealing with congestion in the foot pad below my right 2nd smallest toe, potentially a lingering injury, from when I tobogganed into a house as a kid.
The 2nd last toe and my big toe (on the right side) didn’t grow in fully as a result of this injury.
The right big toe is about actions in the now having a negative impact on the liver, spleen, and pancreas (see multiple liver references below, spleen is mother, while pancreas is father), and the right 2nd smallest toe is about anger (fire) and gallbladder issues (an inability to digest fat).
I hid my injury, until the pain prevented me from walking, because I didn’t want to get in trouble.
Now maybe it is harder for me to put what most people call "my best foot forward" (but maybe my best foot is not my right, masculine, pushing side, but my left, feminine, receptive side, I do snowboard goofy after all).
I also have a recurring gum swelling on my liver/gallbladder tooth:
When I told my 9yr old son about this, he said he had something about this in his Pokémon book:
Golbat (his misunderstanding for the word gallbladder) is the 2nd evolution, and Crobat is the highest evolution, for a poisonous flying Pokémon, who needs the blood of others, to be able to fly.
Ugh, do you see the connection?
As much as I do not know how to listen with compassion to what people are doing right now, I need to interact with people in order to be able to fly. My son added to this: "this Pokémon never walks, he only flies, so if you can't fly, you pretty much can't move".
Also worth noting, in this book that I just finished reading:
I am a Chiron type (1st natal house, opposing my natal Sun), as I feel the pain and illness of my clients/students, so I can have a better understanding of what they are going through (or what I am about to teach), and do some initial trial and error on my self, to know what works at what doesn't (at least for me), by reading and trying out my own modalities and working with many healers. I have also begged to die.
I am a Prometheus type (caught under a rock, with a griffin pecking at his liver, who agrees to switch places with Chiron, so he can die, and I am a walk-in, see below).
Prometheus goes ahead to steal the light in order to be the one who gets the glory of being able to offer it to others, not realizing: there is a price to pay for trying to enlighten others, because you can’t save anyone. They just do what they do. If you learn your lessons, doors open and things change, if you don’t, you stay stuck in the revolving doors.
And, I am a Nessus type (born with this centaur conjunct my IC) and I “died” (or destroyed my liver in a suicide attempt, see Prometheus liver reference above, which resulted in an inability for me to clear heavy metal poison from my blood, see Pokémon reference above and Nessus reference below for poison) at 230am (the time at which the liver is active in TCM, 1-3am), the morning after Nessus was first discovered, and I was sent back (making me a walk-out walk-back-in same-soul), because my team said "I had made important progress and they needed me where I was". Nessus was also retrograde, 2 degrees from my natal sun, about to make another pass, on this day.
In mythology, Nessus was shot in the heart, by someone who asked him for help, in return, Nessus gifted the offender with his poisoned blood, which killed the offender, who was finally forgiven/accepted on his death bed, by his original wounder, the source of the poison, which killed many. Nothing makes sense, and yet: all in its place, in the end.
Pholus is also interesting to me in this time, as his opening of the wine to serve the rich and famous, resulted in the death of many, which led him to wonder: who poisons their arrows and why? The question led him to die instantly, as I used to fear I would die when I understood it all, but that’s just ego death. The soul and body can live on. And maybe that is what so many are afraid of now, ego death. Pholus sits in my 12th natal house of regrets, I watch things play out from a far, in exile, and I don't mind.
Chiron is associated with bringing Uranian (awakening) concepts into reality, Pholus is associated with bringing Neptunian (addiction and delusion) concepts into reality (not my bag), and Nessus is associated with bringing Plutonian (the time for endings and transformation is now) concepts into reality.
Saturn is the gate keeper for reality, and my natal Saturn is on stage (Leo) in the 5th house of fun (hence my prolific playful writing about many important topics).
Based on a nearby asteroid and TNO, I know that I am here to protect my children, and that we are protected by Mother Nature.
One of the sayings, in the Thich Nath Hanh book above is:
To recognize that there is a tiny Buddha in everyone, and when we recognize this, we can coax it to come out.
And also that:
None of us are all good or all bad, we are all a work in progress.
While I have yet to learn to always listen with compassion first and not to speak with exaggeration or anger. Although it feels like I am expressing something important, or at least artsy, expressing myself in this way isn’t overly effective in creating change or gaining support, and I am here to grow, so that means doing things the harder and slower way.
I can‘t stop the suffering of others. But I can continue to try to have compassion for where they are at. Even if I would never put my self or my kids in such a position.
I can also have compassion for myself, as there are many, that if I tried to “fix” or understand, it would only drain/hurt me. The distance between what they believe is right and what I believe is right is too wide. And I enjoy writing, and sharing where I am at, and that is enough for now, as I continue to contemplate how I can grow.
No one is bad, we are all a work in progress, all learning and suffering, because (also from Thich Nath Hanh's book above):
If we didn’t know what suffering and illness was, we wouldn’t know how to create and maintain health and wellness.
Sending love, on your journey, and on mine.
And the rest of the title: although I perceive that most people hate me, I was told this is because I have heart, brains, and fire (destroying my liver/gallbladder, if I let it).
What is happening now is not ok with me, I can’t make it ok with me, but I can continue to live my life and support my kids, and my students/friends/clients, while others play out, whatever they are playing out, while I learn to navigate my stealthy poison, that can hurt others and catch them off guard (see Pokémon reference above), and maybe even reduce the suffering of some, along the way: the tiny Buddha in me recognizes the tiny Buddha in you.
According to this show, my tendency to reflect the illness or needs of my students, in advance of serving them, is because I love them so unconditionally, without expectations or judgement, so they can simply see themselves through me, in the divine matrix (pretty darn cool, according to Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, above: having compassion for others is how we protect ourselves from their pain, by learning from each of our experience, reducing the suffering in us, and in the other): https://www.gaia.com/share/ckwingvo0002t0jmyhmgkclpq?language%5B%5D=en&rfd=dBYRnq
Alot of this also stems from our Soul Contracts (and Gene Keys), and I need to remind my self of this. We are here to fulfill certain roles, and to learn certain lessons, even if that means doing things that are uncomfortable in order to grow.
We humans can do so many amazing things when we work together, or put time into our craft, which we can then share with others.
Look at the amazing technology, social support, buildings, and talents we can create. Why can’t we marvel at each other and do more of that, and less of this ugliness? Isn’t it time to heal?