My Masters in Stress and Health comes full circle

I've had bouts of insomnia for most of my adult life. Most recently, I am feeling heat when I exhale, unless I have recently caught a bit of sleep. It occurred to me that I was excited about some new things coming into my life, mostly things I have been working towards for a long time (nearly 10yrs, but mostly for the past 6yrs) and, like a turtle that struggled on its shell, suddenly I have taken the appropriate steps for someone to come along and flip me over, so I can walk again, with a bit of sea legs.

As I look up the exhaustion phase of the stress response, I am reminded that good things can also contribute to allostatic load:

Of the above, recently I have experienced 9. Serious and chronic illness (50pts), 14. Major change in behaviour of a family member (40pts), 18. Major business readjustment (39pts), Death of a close partnership (36pts), 23. Taking on a major purchase for my business (31pts), 24. Foreclosure on a business partnership (30pts), 25. Major change in job responsibility (29pts), 26. Daughter leaving home (29pts), 28. Outstanding personal achievement (26pts), 29. Ceasing of formal education (25pts), 31. Revision of personal habits (24pts), 32. Trouble with a collaborator (23pts), 33. Major change in working hours/conditions (20pts), 35. Change to a new school (19pts), 36. Major change in social activities (17pts), 37. Major change in sleeping/eating (15pts), 38. Holidays (13pts). Total = 466.

You can see this total (466) falls way beyond an 80% likelihood for a major health problem:

Even though I would categorize everything that happened to me as good. My request to escape things that were toxic has been respected, as has my request to start up something that is far more aligned and exciting. Deciding to finally stop my addictive pattern of "seeking approval from others", using:

And deciding to use the RestoreChi specialty speakers to clear some lingering symptoms, that were causing me to be vulnerable to falling ill repeatedly over the past 5 months. One thing that I don't always account for when using RestoreChi is that when the body starts to get healthier, it starts to violently refuse things that do not align with health, and that is why a lot of the changes (stresses) mentioned above happened. Things that I used to be able to tolerate, or even like, began to make me feel sick, I couldn't even be in their proximity.

Now all I have to do is respect my limits. If I can't, I can't. Clients will have to wait, my kids will have to wait, my husband will have to wait, I even have to wait. While I would like to help everyone and follow through on my commitments, if I do it when my body says no, this recovery will take much longer. It is also possible that this crash is a crash that I had been holding back, as I had been trying to push through these past "who knows how many" years, maybe a lifetime.

I put my deposit down to take the final level of Divine Healing this summer (the Life Stresses List above comes from level 1). They say during the training to only do things you really love, because it’s about anchoring heaven on earth. The same is true for me now. I am closing off on so many things, I didn't know I would get this far, or take this long to get here.

The future looks bright, and so I must rest, so that I am well enough to enjoy it:

I hope this helps someone out there see what healing is like: it's good, but it can also be a temporary setback. Excited for what's ahead, but trying to live for today, as this is all we are promised, and we restore health one step at a time.

I may not have written about it directly here, but Esogetic Medicine has certainly played a part in the upheaval and a more complete healing, bringing me back to the original wound, of living inside my mother, and also my original life path, which is opening up for me to walk now, if I so choose, and there is nothing that I would rather do.

I hope the same for you, one day, when you are ready.

Ps. I did the step one reading (shown in the images above), and it revealed that I am not making the most of this opportunity, I am not learning from past experiences. In the past I had this whole “F you mom” attitude, this was to protect myself from how hurt I was at the way she was and how she treated me. I don’t have to do that now. Sometimes we are kicked out of situations we would have stayed in, this has happened to me a lot with academia. I wanted to do my PhD, but at least twice I fell ill and couldn’t continue, because my path was elsewhere. I was mad at vaccines for the first one (as a malaria vaccine is what tipped me into major depression), and I was mad that researchers don’t care about the harm people do to themselves when they don’t know better, because they feel entitled to their data, for the second one (when my depression relapsed). There are so many instances when I perceived the other person as the problem. Here, and probably with my mom too, the other person needs something other than what I can give. So the situation pushes me out to do the important work that I am meant to do. My outcome is based on the work that I am able to put in, I need to fully resolve this so that I can get the time back in order to do so. I want to grow in a practical, balanced, steady, and manageable way, not thinking it’s going to be everything I ever wanted, only to find out that it’s not. People have problems and limits, and it’s not all about me.

This song may be apropos (“it doesn’t matter how many people say ‘good job’ you’ll never hear it from your mom”, “you’ll always carry this beef but you gotta move on”): https://open.spotify.com/track/4CZN6JsYj6ZdPLlnpE1czD?si=-OWec641Se6144uAUbuSFw

Born under the cross of the unexpected, in Human Design, with 12-3s in my Soul Contract, I don’t get to choose when things are taken from me. My path is more important than my ego or my determination to stay, my soul makes my body sick unless I leave.

Again, I hope this is helpful. I share for educational purposes, and because doing so helps me learn and heal too.

Pps. If you’re not an expert in tarot, for the tarot spreads shown in the image above, this is a good simple deck to start with, as it gives you the keywords for the meaning of each card (right side up and reversed): https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0D1KC4KHK?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share