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The dance - how mainstream practices cause harm

Updated: 6 days ago

When it comes to getting pregnant, giving birth, custody battles, even what we eat or drink, we do things because mainstream does them, and this sets us up for years of dance lessons, because we missed the steps when we "could have" (in quotes, because everything is just a set up for our ultimate curriculum, there are no mis-takes) learned them, and that's ok.

Yesterday I took my child to therapy, where I found out I was missing their cues for help. Then I didn't have time to get my child food before taking my other child to class (another form of therapy), so my first child stayed in the car while I took my other child to class, hoping for a drive thru afterwards, which they got, but they were starving by that time. They could have stayed home and made food, but they didn't want to. When we got home I was also hungry, so I ate the parts of my child's meal that they wouldn't eat, something I would normally avoid, had a couple glasses of wine with my mom (something else I haven't done in years), and then ate too much takeout (even though I knew I had been having trouble with my sleep for days because I had been eating leftover take out, which I had just finished the night before, and here we are again). The result: I wasn't able to navigate the perfect storm, missing my child's cues again, for who they wanted to play with and who they didn't. Even in perfect form, I can't make everyone go where one person wants them to go, but after having eaten and drank too much, and having my own neck pain that I am recovering from, not to mention our hot water tank broke and can't be fixed until they order a part, so I can't shower, this is life.

Let's go back. Abortion trigger warning below. I love that my friend/client knows enough to be trauma-informed, and that I love myself enough to try it out, and discover it feels better to be kind.

I was pregnant at 16. I wanted to be a mom forever, I started requesting pregnancy tests before I was sexually active. I told my mom I was pregnant, she told my dad, who booked me for an abortion. My boyfriend said he would have supported any choice I made. I didn't feel like I had a choice, I did as I was told. An abortion in hospital under general anesthesia was very easy to do.

When I got pregnant again at 21, I wanted the child, but my boyfriend changed his mind and I went along with it, but this time I opted to go to a clinic to punish myself for doing this again. It was a traumatic experience. No general anesthesia, they threatened to stop the procedure midway if I couldn't stay still despite the pain, and I developed an infection which I did not treat for a year, because I hated myself.

Fast forward to age 33 when getting pregnant with my first child wasn't happening easily. I went to a fertility clinic, my tubes were not blocked, but I was ovulating on day 21 and shedding on day 28, so what appeared to be a normal cycle, was not. With early pregnancy testing and the addition of progesterone, I was pregnant the next cycle.

At 41 weeks, I decided to induce. First time mom, I had my birth plan "no epidural, maybe some laughing gas", and they laughed at my plan and said "how about morphine", which I agreed to, and it made me itch, so never again.

Induced births come with a lot of pain, my mom and husband were not in sync with their support, thankfully my mom stepped aside and let my husband be my support, and I was able to get an epidural (my only of 3 that fully worked on time, probably not a mistake either). I think I had 12hrs with the epidural control in my hand, and boy did I turn it up at any sign of pain, which means I had no sensation of my child or body signaling to me that it was time to push. So, he sat engaged for a long time, destroying my pelvic floor, I bled through the catheter and had zero bladder control for days afterwards, didn't even feel the need to pee before I peed myself.

This was my child's entry into life, he was ready to be born, I missed the cue, he went back to sleep, and then I forced him out on my timing, not his, and he was not ready for being exposed to everything being born exposes us to. He still wears a hoodie, hands in the pockets or pouch, pulling it down tight over his head, to cope with life, and he wakes, goes back to sleep, and then struggles to get going in the mornings, what do you think he is re-enacting?

When I wrote the above in my head, I got super tired midway through, but it all came out fine. Now onto baby number two...

I loved being a mom, I was ready to have another when my first was 1yr old, but I had not gotten my period back. The fertility clinic urged that I cut back on nursing my first, which was a very hard process for me and my son, to tell him "when the sun comes up he can have milk, but when the sun is sleeping, no milk". The entire ivf process honestly felt like a negotiation with my son "when I would leave him to go in for procedures", etc. Daddy's role was minimal, just provide some sperm. I truly feel, looking back, that my tubes were closed and my eggs looked old because I wasn't done carrying for baby number one, so my body shut down production capability, until it was ready for baby number two, but that's not how mainstream does it. Maintainstream thinks they are smart and in control, and so, we did ivf.

My second child has a lot of issues because the ivf process is very judgmental and unkind: they decide which embryos are worthy of life. Where my son fears for his life at the possum level (because he needed me, but I was engaged in making baby number two before he was ready to let me go), my middle child fears for her life at the poisonous cicadas level, because, without me saying "transfer all my embryos, I don't care if I lose this "free" cycle (cost us $10,000 to do a cycle that they botched, because we didn't pay them extra to look at the eggs prior to fertilization, so they couldn't see that my body does not respond to the final injection of synthetic hormones, so they needed to bathe the second batch of embryos in hormones post fertilization, nothing is free), I will never do this process again!". And we got our middle child.

When she was just a couple cells in a Petri dish, the risk to her life was catastrophic, this is why she sits at the highest level of nervous system sensitivity. The risk to my son's life wasn't catastrophic, but it felt that way to him, which is why he sits at level two.

Our youngest also had a risk to her life, because I thought I was infertile. When I was 36yrs old, they said our chances of having our middle was less that 5%. We were shocked when I ended up pregnant again at 41.

I had done a lot of work on myself (whcih may have reverse my infertility state), leaving the working world, learning about human design, soul contract, and using divine healing to come off all my psychiatric medication (that they said were safe for me to take in pregnancy, but my son now shows signs of premature aging, possibly because due to the medication I took; part of me wonders if they deliberately medicate people capable of seeing through the matrix and, just like in the tv series Silo, maybe difficulty getting pregnant is a convinient side effect, as the ability to see through the matrix is likely heritable). Having been so sick when I was pregnant with my second child, that I wanted to die, not great for my first born either, I said when I was pregnant with our third: "if she is not healthy, we might terminate".

Whenever we went in to see how she was doing, she always showed herself to be strong, watchdog level of security for her vulnerable nervous system, level one (there's a threat, but the person feels able to manage it with their brute force).

And now I have two kids in public school. Middle goes more than eldest. She strives more for perfection (what she needed to show for the doctors/scientists to deem her worthy of life), he, as I mentioned, has trouble getting up in the mornings. We are still trying to detox him, and fix the damage we have done, to all our kids. Youngest is with me 24/7, even though she is school age, kindergarten traumatized our first two, so I'm not sending our third until she is ready.

As for custody battles, they happen. People say it only takes one person to refuse to cooperate for things to go to court. But, as I am teaching my kids, having each other is a gift, no one is right or wrong, everything is an opportunity. "You want to do X, how do you convey that to Y without triggering their watchdog, or your cicada, or his possum brain?" Learn this skill and you will be skilled for life. It is utter mainstream nonsense to get into labeling someone as a narcissist or part of the dark triad, these are just ways of saying "I don't want to do the work, I shouldn't have to", this is how people fail grade 10 seven times, and accumulate enough karma (action to be taken in the next life) so they have no choice but to suffer or grow.

The founder of human design cringes when he speaks of the Buddha, because the Buddha said "life is about suffering and it is pain to be in the body". It is only pain to be in the body when you refuse to work on your life lessons, and you don't know how to navigate your life (something human design teaches you), because when you refuse to do the work, then the body says "maybe you will agree to do it if I add some pain if you don't". So many people die, again and again, because they just won't work on their lessons, the soul says "fine, exit this life and try again". We can recognize the stubborn souls, with each exit, they load on more karma, it's hard to carry, and it's why, when they are ready, they find people like me.

I can lift the load and show you your lessons, but I can't take away your lesson, I can only point to the spiritual concepts that are showing up in your life (verbally or set you up to see them for yourself). One day, you will see them too, and be like "damn, why did I have to be so human, so mainstream?", and the answer is "because that's the game, this is the illusion, to get you to work on your lessons".

I hope this helps?

When we induced my last child at 37.5 weeks, they said "there is a risk that doing so this early could result in a hard to soothe fussy baby". She did have an umbilical hernia (which Master Yan fixed overnight, when they started to talk about surgery if it doesn't self correct) and she has an indent in her lower spine (she's often asks me to rub her tailbone, maybe it's not getting the full flow of information that it should). She was not a fussy baby, but I am still working with her anger and seperation anxiety at almost 5yrs of age, just because I wanted her born, so that I could be back in full form, for Father's Day. It has not been easy on my husband/family for me to be so sick, during and after pregnancy, as mainstream pumps up toxins, when I am already full (from a history of medications, vaccines, generational trauma, suicide attempts, etc from the first part of my life, when I didn't know any better, or didn't have the courage to learn how to do better). Now I do, and now I detox, when levels get too high and symptoms flare. This is why I was so sick in pregnancy. I was full of garbage, and my kids didn't want to take on any more than they needed to, so I needed to process out as much as I could, to spare them from taking on "the mother load".


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