As I continue to work my way through this book:
My youngest is teaching me more and more about her watchdog brain, and how she moves through the watchdog stages and back from protection to connection mode.
I am saddened as I realize my older two tend more towards the possum side, and I think this is because of mainstream parenting (and schooling). I remember my husband restraining both my older kids, sometimes in the basement "for their own safety" (at least that is his perception). But I know from watching, that he tends towards watchdog too, and so do I, with maybe a bit of possum, to be determined.
Recently I read that the schools only provide Education Assistance support to kids who have physical disabilities (medically frail some call this) and kids who have behavioral problems (defined as violent towards self and others, or kids who run away). A kinder way to refer to this latter group of kids would be to call them kids with sensitive stress systems, however, then the schools would have to admit "they themselves are causing sensitive kids to feel stressed, and thus flipping them from connection to protection mode".
My eldest is almost permanently walking around with his hood on, it goes up as soon as he leaves me, this is his protection.
My middle is a bit more like me, observing, trying to do better, but sensitive, and confused.
My youngest is starting to explain how she feels. Yesterday she shared that "her tummy hurts all the time except for when she is swimming and watching her iPad at night". She wanted me to tell her aunt this. Unfortunately, people see her expressions as cute, when she is actually trying to explain that she has anxiety all the time, unless she knows I won't leave her (at night), and she has my full attention (in the pool), where she can move in all directions unimpeded, to get to a safe space, and release the energy her body mobilized to get her to safely.
This was right after I spent a lot of time nurturing her attack watchdog, down to open for connection, with food, drink, change of scenery, blocking out others with her iPad, between both parents for safety, massaging the skeletal structure of her torso and face, to ground her safely, back into the center of her body,
People raised by people with poor boundaries, also have poor boundaries, and when we blame them for their poor boundaries, it triggers their protection behaviour, because they lack the meta awareness to know and to even be able to accept that they themselves also lack appropriate boundaries. This is who runs our schools.
As much as I want to keep my distance from people like this, I am listening to my child, and observing. My child says "I want my aunt to be my cousin" because she doesn't feel safe around her cousin, she behaves in protection mode, and then people take it out on her. Around her aunt she wants me to drop my guard, so that her aunt feels safe, so my youngest can approach.
It's complicated, but I'm watching.
My youngest grew up at an alternative school during covid, with a lot of other kids and families, with varying backgrounds, needs, and goals. I chose to leave her there once, for 2hrs, to meet my husband at a naturopath's office, for him to hear from a professional that I was indeed reacting to people getting the Covid vaccine, and what can be done to keep me safe. My husband would have vaccinated all of us, so we could continue to access everything. This meeting saved my life, as my husband was then open to hear other medical experts share what they know, so he could protect himself and his family, instead of causing us so much harm.
But, stepping away from my youngest for 2hrs, created a problem for her, and by extension our family. She was already struggling, the alternative school was more than she could handle, and the person I left her with could not fill my shoes. I found my youngest in the front lobby, hidden in a cubby, screaming. This later escalated to scratching her face until it bleeds, destroying rooms, drawing blood from others, kiicking and hitting at me.
Now I know that she has safe places that she needs to have to, she needs food, drink, space from others, and room to expend excess energy that her body mobilized to get her to safety. These are normal survival tactics. Schools don't get it, they can't. What everyone does makes sense, because it communicates where they are at, on the inside, based on how well they have processed all of their past experience, and whether the current environment has proven itself to be safe enough, where the people in charge get it, or not. She wise because of her experience!
My youngest spoke before 1yr of age, a sign of trauma, they don't feel like the people around them understand their needs, so they form words early. What prompted my youngest to quit public school after a couple hours of JK, is they asked her "how she is doing", this made her realize mom was not there for her to say she was having fun, and she needed me right away. It's not normal to take children from their primary supports and lock them into a school where parents can not go in. Schools are creating all kinds of illness with their protocols. I get why they want the control, for everyone, but they also need to be held accountable, and they are not capable of that, because they are in protection mode, instead of connection mode. Most people are, and this is why I will not fix my child to accept less than what she is ready for. She will be ready when she is ready, and until then, she is not ready. The next day, when she went to try JK again, the teacher literally told her to get in line as they had lots of work to do, and she didn't have time to help her feel safe enough to come in again, and my daughter quit. Wise 4yr old!
Schools want children while they are hypnogogic (age 6yrs or younger), because in this stage they lack the ability to filter out information that does not resonate with them and remember who they are. I.e., they are less likely to be difficult and fight back, because they are more easily brainwashed, as their brains are delta/theta dominant (in sleep, regeneration, and dream mode). It's not until age 6-9 and 9-12 that they enter into alpha dominance (awake but at rest), and then 12yrs and beyond into beta dominant (able to focus and learn).
What do we do about it? We watch, we observe, we support, we learn from our kids, we are open, we work on ourselves, we don't push before readiness. We allow others to serve as examples, we don't meddle without invitation. It's obvious when healing needs to be applied, and it's common to have things that can help, but no time to apply them. Our kids are not really broken. They are an accumulation of their experiences, and we hold space, and provide, what they need, when they need it and are ready.
I'll continue to educate, and show examples, where I can, to make obvious, the kinder way of doing things. Kind always feels better than mean. My daughter's stomach (actually it's around her belly button, so it's not her stomach at all, it's her truth, her intestines) hurts often because of constriction. It's hard to allow the flow of our truth, into our bodies, when so few are in their bodies, and able to receive us.
My eldest embodied sooner than my middle. She took so long to feel safe being here. I tried to get her in, and what worked best was informing her of her IVF conception. She's here, and we're working together. My youngest is too young to understand her time in utero and at birth, but I will tell her, when she is ready and able to process it without further trauma. Mainstream hurts so many of our kids.
I don't really have the experience with indigo, crystal, spiritually gifted children, that some people speak of when you say "neurodivergent" kids.
I've seen kids who suffer great agitation, trying to send energy to parts of their body that are not receiving an even flow, and it's very uncomfortable and frustrating for them. I've witnessed a healer give them access to these parts of their body. They experience relief and habit, continuing to try to access something they already have access to. The biggest stumbling block, are their parents who return them to their mainstream programs, to be controlled again, which puts them back into an illness state.
Developing in a womb that is cold, or full of fibroids, results in a child that is always fighting in survival mode, same with growing inside me, at that time of my life, when my youngest was in utero. I continue to not have known better, until I do, and I have work to undo what I've done. I don't regret it, because it allows me to understand, have my experiences, and support others, from having done the same.
Kids who are neurodivergent are gifted but hurting, their gift is mostly that they won't conform, because it's too uncomfortable to accept what others want over what they need. It's hard to parent kids like this, because we look at others parenting kids who conform and say to ourselves "what are we doing wrong, why won't my child give me the freedom that that child is giving their parent?" That child is brainwashed. They may feel more ok to conform and waste their life doing whatever, watching whatever, being whatever. Your child is here, and it's super uncomfortable to be here. In your body, as much as you can be, aware, healing, maybe one day to be of service to others, while right now, it looks like they are falling behind, because instead of processing only what they are told to process, they are processing everything, and it hurts.
I hope this is helpful?
Keep being honest with yourself, your body is guiding you, showing you, what feels better, and what feels worse.