There is some I don't like. I haven't liked this person pretty much since they began to cross boundaries in my role as a parent to my children. Of course there are other people who cross boundaries, but when I tell them this they apologize and try to do better. This person asks me to offer examples of what they did wrong, and when I do, they storm out.
Where have I seen this lack of accountability before? My own mother. Not only that, this person reminds me of a friend I had from age 11yrs to about age 40, when I finally had to cut them out of my life, because the boundary crossing on social media was unbelievable.
Last weekend I missed my middle child's birthday dinner, because I developed what felt like food poisoning, having to witness this person insert themselves where they shouldn't be, and then speak to me as if nothing has happened between us, when literally days prior, they responded to a text I sent them on behalf of my daughter, that I was the one crossing boundaries and to stop texting them. I am happy to stop all communication with this person, but please don't act like nothing's wrong!
Now I am 2 days away from spending a week with them. They were "invited" to something because people feel sorry for them, but now they have the excuse to say "I was invited". There is nothing I can do about this, because people who don't respect boundaries also lack the meta awareness to say "you know actually, thanks for the invite, but this doesn't feel right for me to be a part of".
I've gone around in circles for years, asking myself, as a spiritual person, why can't I get over this. Why do I hide to cope with this person coming over, and now on vacation I'll have to keep my kids in sight at all times, or make sure my husband does so, so they don't wander off with this person, causing me further stress. Feels like I'm headed straight for a brick wall:
A friend helped me realize that maybe I am not a "bad" person, but a sensitive person, who reacts to things others can't even detect yet:
If the best course of action, is to absent myself (when we're not going through a busy airport or at a huge vacation resort with no way to find out where unaccountable absentminded people are, and we've lost our child there before), so my kids can have whatever relationship they want with this person, maybe that's ok. I can't undo how this person makes me feel, or can I?
Last night was the 3rd night that I found myself waking during the liver (1-3am, anger) and lung (3-5am, grief) times. I lose my ability to function well for my family when I lose too much sleep. So I got up and applied a few Esogetics treatments. One to reconnect the body to function as it should during sleep, another to help drain my inner crying (post nasal drip type symptoms), unworthiness (cough), and another to address the lack of love I felt in childhood. I also played RestoreChi tracks to aid digestion, release garbage, especially from the head, so I can sleep.
Esogetics refer to dreams as "bowel movements for the soul/emotions". The series of dreams that I had reminded me of the dream (trauma) I needed to complete in order to undo over a month of only being able to sleep for 2hrs at a time, like my body was stocking up on deep sleep, but avoiding REM.
In this dream I was driving but I couldn't reach the pedals at all because my slippers (comfort) were blocking the way. I asked my sister for help, but she didn't register my request, or respond. So I closed my eyes, thinking "it's just a dream", but then my consciousness returned (still in the dream), it was a huge accident site, they didn't know I was to blame yet, but eventually that sneaked out. There were two other layers that I have since forgotten, as Human Design says "dreams are programming, to take us off our path, forget them when you wake, and remember who you are".
What's interesting about this dream is the parallel to this book I am reading, which I wanted to share a summary of anyways:
The metaphor that this book uses, referring to brakes, is that people can't self-regulate. As babies, we have amazing accelerators, but very weak brakes. We need adults to come to us when we cry, match our level of energy, and then regulate themselves, so we can take ourselves down a notch, by borrowing their brakes. Eventually we build a neural network in our brain that represents this amazing caregiver who helped us calm down, and we visit this neural network to "self-regulate" when we're ready to use it instead of the real thing. No amazing caregiver, no neural net, no ability to self regulate, and it can not be learned without someone (could be a friend, partner, or practitioner) who repeatedly helps us feel safe when we are spinning out of control.
Regulated also doesn't mean calm and cooperative, it means being able to use our accelerator and brake in a smooth manner, obeying our personal stress speed limits and driving rules.
Bad behavior is just what happens when we are in protection mode because we don't feel safe. Good (prosocial) behavior is what happens when we feel safe and are open for connection (it's everyone's preferred way to be, but many of us have had such bad experiences in relationships, that we're kind of like "I need this, but in the past it didn't help, so I'm frazzled about what to do"). And each person's perception of safe is based on their own history, skills, and beliefs, there is no one true measure of what is safe, and no one is "right".
If we go back to the instance that caused me to develop food (nurturance) poisoning. This person was engaging with my youngest in an obnoxious, oblivious to everyone else kind of way, in the area we need to bowl from, when it was her sister (the birthday girl's turn to bowl). The only thing I said to this person at the event was "we are trying to bowl". They moved, but proceeded to sit in the seating area for our alley. When my youngest asked about this person's turn to bowl, I told my youngest out loud "this person is not on our alley" and pointed to the alley that they should be on. Finally they got the point and moved to their space. But when they spoke to me as if everything was good, I was so shocked I dropped my drink in my husband's pizza.
I didn't feel safe. I developed food poisoning, and had my husband drive me home. I'm guessing both of us didn't get the co-regulation we needed growing up, but I've worked really hard, and I don't trauma bond. I am not a victim. I work with people who likewise want to do better, even if they didn't get better themselves.
How will all this impact how I feel about this person, I don't know. I am open to seeing (and honouring) how I feel, I am not rigid, stuck on continuing to be mean or forcing myself to be nice. I am honest with myself and my health. If I act in a baffling manner, I don't feel safe, and I am entitled to put myself in a position where I feel safe, (like my sister being unable to help me in my dream and the blame falling on me) I am responsible for my experience, no one else can do it for me.
Again, I get it, they wants away from the person who invited them and paid for their trip, but that's not mine to solve. I learned long ago (never to go somewhere I am trapped with my mother), there is no such thing as something she can dangle before me to change my mind. Not even saying my husband's dog can come too. That sweetens the deal for him, but not for me. I have to trust how I feel. I have the wisdom of a life inside and with her. I don't hold anything against her, because I know the anxiety my parents come from, that led them to shortchange me in some areas, but in other areas, they came through, and I am somewhat like them, choosing comfort (mom) and education (dad), even if my definition for each of these things is different from theirs.
I hope readers know I only reveal details so people can see if they resonate and would benefit from the solutions available or not. I'm not interested in creating bad karma, proof for the other that I am wrong, because I shared my perspective of what happened, so I can work through it and feel better (a lack of we). The above book also taught me that to resonate means you and me together, creates a third thing that didn't exist before - we. Kids can feel when we are distracted and no longer available to form this "we" with them, and they act up to try to get it back, if they can, it's their safe space.
There are so many things above (and in many good parenting, challenging kids, and neuroscience books) that Esogetic protocols can address. Like calming the amygdala from recognizing and reacting to now as if it were then, balancing and connecting the stem, limbic, and cortical brain, as well as EQ and IQ, interference patterns (which take the energy in the we, and sends it back to the I and you, to intensify any treatment), and the wild "I-you-we" treatment, which addresses how mother/father issues impact how we operate in relationships (be careful, as your truth my rock your world, in order to put you back in your personal power).
Boundary setting and relationships are the hardest things we need to learn in this life, be kind to yourself, if it take you longer than you would like, to get it right.