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Revisiting how to interpret a suicide attempt through the lens of Human Design

Updated: Feb 3

I created this image and videos several years ago:

However, recently, thinking about again, I think this image is more accurate (and I will be updating the image above to the one below on my Human Design page):

I am a walk-out, walk-back-in, same soul. I did not get a new body (design crystal), nor did I get a new mind/soul (personality crystal). At the time when I "took my life" I was impacted by the transits. Perhaps because of the walk-out-walk-back-in these transits have stayed with me, or, maybe they just give more information about what happened at that time, to make me walk-out-walk-back-in. While my life was hard, it wasn't that hard, and my suicide attempt (taking a full large bottle of extra strength Tylenol one night) didn't really have any rhyme or reason to it. Just something I was called to do. And, reflecting back on my experience, it was so I could meet with my spirit team, and for them to tell me the progress I had made was more than they expected, and it would be best for me to walk back in, than for another soul (personality crystal) to take my place, because I had the capacity to help many others, because of what I had been through, and what I would need to go through, to clear my body.

I recently watched this movie, see post:

...and realized we were subjected to 5yrs of living with a pedophile. I never thought about it that way, I always thought his sexual abuse was about power, but when you target children, you are a... no matter how much I could see in his mother's eyes about her regret about what he went through with his own father growing up, and no matter that it allowed me to understand the important consequences of the misuse of power.

That night I was impacted by (or I gained) the channel 41-30, which is my middle child's emotional wave, and something I identify with quite a bit for my young adult life: "my expectations are so high that I am heart broken when reality can't live up to it".

Prior to this suicide attempt (and let's be honest, the one that got me hospitalized when I was 21), I had the 41 without the 30, which implies that "I knew I wanted something, but I didn't know what it was". It was only in my hospitalization at age 21, when I spent the night comforting a mother who had been cutting her legs, that I realized "you can become a mom (all I ever wanted) and still want to hurt yourself, so I don't need to hurt myself any more, because I have the capacity to support moms instead!" After that, I never made another attempt on my life, and I finally closed the pattern of my paternal grandmother, who took her life, when my dad was only 4yrs old.

Interestingly, the 30th gate (which I gained in this experience) is called "the gate of the fates".

I also gained the Left Angle Cross of Alignment 1, which corresponds to:

"Your Life Theme is to align yourself and everyone around you with the remembrance that caring makes life worthwhile. You tend to push the limits of every circumstance to bring order however, you also sense intuitively when to actively engage and when to retreat in order to gather perspective. Be alert that at times you can be overzealous and take risks that undermine or endanger the arrangements you are attempting to achieve. Remember always that there rests within you the potential to challenge the very limits of life and death itself. If you ever find yourself at this extreme, take a deep breath and come back. In a world where people often find themselves separated, ostracized, and in suffering, your presence and nurturing qualities are in great demand. You see the gaps where simple adjustments can bring about dramatic improvements, not only in people but in nature, too, and you often feel compelled to commit yourself to bring about changes without consideration for your own well-being. Certainly you can exercise great generosity and compassion, but remember always that there is only so much you can do; enabling others to rely on you will eventually drain you and diminish their own sense of authority and capability. Your awareness will allow you to sense others’ needs more than they do themselves, as well as to know whether acting on someone else’s behalf is in the interests of the highest good. Pick your fights carefully! With your Conscious Sun in Gate 27, you naturally sense who and what has the greatest need for resources, nourishment, and assistance at any given moment, and especially during times of great trials and upheavals. You probably have a clearer and quicker view of unexpected situations than other people, and you can become annoyed and demanding when confronted by bureaucratic holdups and others’ hesitancy to set things right. Sometimes it is necessary to step back and reevaluate what is really needed, and at other times, it is essential that you dive in and provide quick relief and realignment. When you pay close attention to your Type and Authority, you will always align yourself with the real needs of the moment, and this will save you from getting exhausted and potentially unpopular by being in constant “redeemer” mode." according to Parkyn, Chetan; Eastwood, Carola. The Book of Destinies: Discover the Life You Were Born to Live (p. 105). New World Library. Kindle Edition.

My Authority also shifted from splenic survival in the moment instincts, to having to wait and see how I feel about a decision over the course of my entire emotional wave (high hopes and deep disappointments). This too has stayed with me, at times.

I continue to work to clear my body from the trauma and medication that I took, but I am so much better now than I was then.

I also became a split definition, which was new for me, as I was used to being a single definition, needing no other. The split says "I have the 12 but not the 22 - I have the ability to transform the other, but I need an other who is willing to listen, so they can be transformed", and "I have the 28 but not the 38 - I know all about purpose and being the game player in life, but I need to look to those with the 38, to know what is worth fighting for".

Interesting, because the founder of Human Design has a lot of individual circuitry and I have a lot of collective circuitry. When someone has a lot of individual circuitry, especially integration circuitry, they can be very self-absorbed. But when anyone with the 28 or the 28-38 is around these people, they are forced to share what they know, so it can be used by others - the collective.

For sake of completion, the other circuitry is tribal, and this is so interesting in our present time, as so many people are trying to bring back the tribe, forgetting that the tribe is about blood, you're in or you're out, believe what we tell you to believe or you will be ostracized, it's very primitive. The tribe needs to take in someone with individual circuitry from time to time, so they can freshen up their gene pool, and have new mutative ideas. And the collective benefits from individual ways of doing things and thought, but then they mass produce, and that's super boring for me.

I am intellectual, with solutions, talent, and skills (16-48), curious and wanting to share what I know through storytelling (11-56), and a leader who guides, when nominated by the people (7-31). Though some may feel intimidated by what I say at times, people rarely challenge me, unlike those who carry the vessel of love. Love is something most people will fight, because love is something most people are denied, and to see anyone receive it, creates so many mixed emotions, that people are not ready to unpack, deal with, and heal.

I wanted to revisit this topic so that there was something for people to link to when they see a new image on my Human Design webpage (because the original article is also gone). I also wanted to show the deeper levels that are accessible, that our understanding evolves, and as it does, we can relax more into who we really are, which allows us to accept ourselves and heal a little bit more.

I was hard on my mom, because she failed to protect us as kids, though she did do some things right, and the bad experiences she exposed us to, is why I have this experience to speak from. Now I get to support moms (whether they are single moms or feel like they are at times), so they are more able to be there for their kids, in a way that I wish someone could have been there for my mom.

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