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What if little kids can’t regulate their emotions because emotions are not supposed to be regulated?

It irks me when educators talk about "making good choices" and "regulating one's emotions", as if this is something good kids should just be able to do.


I'm a lucky to be able to watch my kids grow up, shine, develop, see how far they have come and what they are still working on.


This TV series really nails some of the challenges we face as parents (siblings and adult children):


The title is misleading. But the mom does have some work to do on herself. And she recognizes, by the end, that her child struggles, like she does, with anger, and they agree to work on it together.


We are all working on things. Every member of our household. That's what makes life great!


We all have challenges we have overcome, and ones that we are still working on (or are not ready for yet).


This movie is also great:

...in that she is a terrible tooth fairy because she is actually a reincarnated flower fairy, with the ability to heal nature (more on this later).


It was the TV show above, that finally explained to me why we have tooth fairies: to make losing one's teeth less scary, given all the pain and blood.


But here's the thing: the world has to feel like it's a safe place for us to work on our life lessons, but it is also both not a safe place (with all kinds of people, doing all kinds of things, not thinking or caring about the impact it has on others) and it's not as real as we may believe. I was at an event recently, my child was acting up, other kids were just standing there with their parents. I was at another event, where I offered humaneness to a grandmother, who was trying to get her grandson to be respectful, even if the other child was not doing the same. There are some of us who are here, and other of us who feel more like stage props, and that's ok. Joy for me, is witnessing people choosing to be kind, even when they are challenged by children.


My point: emotions are information. When my child is having an anger outburst, she is trying to inform us that her boundaries are being violated. She is not developmentally ready for the step that is being asked of her.


She loves to play hide and seek. I think it's because she wants to know, even if she can't see the people she relies on, she can find them, because they offer hints and are never too hard to find. And, if she is out of sight, the same people will make an effort to find her. We care enough to want to be reunited and to play again.


There are so many things to work on in childhood, other than what is taught at school. That doesn't make school wrong, it's there when kids are ready to engage with it. It doesn't make school right either. It's an experience to engage with carefully. All of my kids struggle with different aspects of school, and it's something we work on together. We see what school has to offer, and take it as an opportunity to see how we can understand where our kids are at, and what they need.


Do they understand the consequences of their choices, and are they happy with the outcome? It's not about "making good choices", because when school staff say this, they mean: do what I say, don't do what I say not to do. It's always about conformity and making life easier for staff to manage more kids than they can ever form a good relationship with, one on one, to support and meet each child where they are at. I'm far more interested in making sure my kids feel good, inside and out. And I think it's important to see that each child has a gift that is growing, and a way to know how to navigate life and if they are navigating it well (enter Esogetics and Human Design).


Back to the fairy troublemaker: I love that the professor has two students to deal with. One who does it all by the book and has an inflated sense of self, and the other who can't seem to do what everyone else can, but can do what the professor himself can not do. These are many of our kids. Here to heal the rupture between who we think we are as intelligent entitled humans, and who we actually are as part of the unfolding of soul, spirit, and nature.


The fairy troublemaker is not perfect, because she has not been recognized for who see is (see Ken quote below). She can do what many can't, because she is not a lie that parents tell their kids, because they want to their kids to have the same experience as other kids (and they don't want their child to be the one who ruins it for others). But these parents are also missing an opportunity to be honest with their kids, about about the important rites of passage, of normal healthy growing up. Full disclosure, we play tooth fairy too.


We have an epidemic of people on antidepressants, anti-anxiety, and other forms of not only painkillers but stimulants and other psychotropic drugs, just to try to see or feel something more than the same old same old. Very few people want to feel negative emotions, because they don't know how to be like nature any more.


Nature feels, nature digests, nature is formed by what it is exposed to, nature adapts.


I sometimes have floating sadness. Maybe it's about overspending, eating something I shouldn't, not being in better physical shape, feeling alone. I don't need to make myself wrong, if my body sends me a signal of where it is at.


Here are some quotes from The Barbie Movie:


Here is another great resource to learn more about navigating emotions: Understanding thoughts and emotions that drive behavior


As NVC, in the article above, alludes to: negative emotions signal to us that a core need (or opportunity) is not being met, while positive emotions signal to us that one of these needs is being met.


In addition, sometimes the lessons are too hard. How does one learn to feel safe if one can't remember ever feeling safe? How does one learn to let go? How do we simple stop pain or negative thoughts? How can we just sleep better or stop eating when we are full, if we haven't listened to our needs for so long that everything is out of sync?


Medication has its place, and its price. Slowly we can learn to stay and return to our center, as well as how to use other tools, that have less negative consequences than meditation, and which of these tools work well to meet our unique needs, because we are not the same.


Some of the things that have been helpful for me and my family include: RestoreChi, Divine Healing, brainwaves, crystals, or color light.


I hope this is helpful.


And, as the title of the article above alludes to, our thoughts do drive how we feel, and we can choose from a variety of thoughts. Continuing to think in a way that results in repeated extreme negative emotions has the capacity to harm our physical health. In that way, eventually, learning to regulate our thoughts, where we choose to invest our energy, and by extension our ongoing emotions, for the sake of our own health and wellbeing, makes sense.

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